Just Ducky!!!!!

Okay, the powers-that-be are all excited because they just spent some taxpayer bucks and set up some video conferencing equipment so now we can have parole hearings hopefully without having to transport inmates much or spend money paying travel expenses for the officers. Now the kicker. For the most part, my office doesn't have that many parolees. We are a field office serving 15 counties. To use the equipment, the only rule so far is the officer must travel over 100 miles to get to the hearings. Now most of the prisons are over 100 miles from the office, so that sounds good. However, we didn't get any equipment, so if I set up a hearing, I would have to travel to an office that has the equipment, the nearest of which is about 100 miles away.

One of my fine Americans was picked up recently. He was a probationer who had disappeared 10 years ago. He was recently picked up by federal marshals. His wife and mother wander in wanting to know what is up. They claim they thought this was all taken care of. I point out that he had an 8 year suspended sentence from 1991. He moved without permission in 1994 and had not seen a probation officer since.
"Well, he wasn't really guilty, he was set up."
He pled guilty in court.
"But a friend gave him the money. He bought the cocaine for a friend."

Apparently it isn't a crime if you break the law for a friend.

"Wait Your Honor, you can't convict him of murder, a friend asked him to chop that man's head off."

"Oh, if a friend asked him to do it, it is alright."

"Officer, I wouldn't have raped that woman, but my best friend, Charlie, asked me to."

"You're free to go."