OOO That Smell

I once heard a comedian, I can't remember which one, who claimed that all men always wanted to see every woman (regardless of her appearance or age) naked. He's wrong. I am a man, I checked this morning to make sure, and I am a probation officer. I have female clients, at least that's the gender listed in their files. Very, very, very few of them would I wish to see even partially unclothed. There is an old phrase about undressing someone mentally. Not only do I not do that with 110% of my caseload (the very few clients I get who might be considered reasonably attractive I tend to know too much about to allow myself to even consider them as anything other than clients) there are probably about 20% that when I see, I mentally add insulated coveralls, heavy arctic parka with hood, snow mask and dark sunglasses. About half of those I also add a biological warfare suit for my protection.

Case in point. Yesterday one of my female clients showed up wearing denim shorts about 3 sizes too small for her and a low cut loose-fitting tank top. This lady was not particularly attractive. She was not fat by any means, but she really had no business dressing like that in public. She especially should not have come into probation in that garb, or lack thereof. I very definitely did not want to see anything and spent the interview in fear something would pop into view and I would be scarred for life. Our health insurance has very limited psychiatric benefits. Too make matters worse, she smelled horrible. She claimed she had been moving from her former house to an apartment, which was why she was dressed that way. I guess the smell was unwashed sweating felon, however it was a stench I normally associate with dumpsters. I was trying to interview the woman without looking at her and while breathing as little as possible. I knew I had to be fast, because that is the sort of smell you don't want to have around for long. It is the sort of smell that will make itself at home, eat the leftovers out of your fridge, hog the tv remote and stay way to damn long if it gets the chance. Not to mention I was trying not to vomit on my computer. I got her out as quick as possible. I thought about doing a drug screen, but I am currently on good terms with most of my female coworkers and I would like to keep it that way for a while if possible. I was too late, the smell had settled in and was trying to burn the paint off the walls and melt my filing cabinet. By the time I left work, it had set in on me. I smelled it all the way home. Once home, I stripped and dumped my clothes in the wash. I took a long, hot shower. And I could still smell it. It wasn't in my hair, I don't have any. It was such a strong smell, I was afraid to eat anything. I finally decided an exorcism was called for. To perform the exorcism I used the following ingredients. Two slices of whole wheat bread, 1 slice white onion, romaine lettuce leaves, 1 slice tomato, two tablespoons humus with tahini sauce, 4 strips of bell pepper, three pickled Serrano chiles with a couple of the included carrot slices, and a couple of dashes of habanero picante sauce with a slice of pepperjack cheese. That way I had supper and an exorcism at the same time.