Damn I'm Getting Old

I know I'm getting old, how do I know, I'll tell you.

First, things hurt. Why do they hurt? Damn if I know, but things hurt when I get up, things hurt when I lay or sit down. Things hurt when I move, things hurt when I'm still. Now, mind you, they aren't necessarily the sames things, but they hurt. They don't hurt a lot, mostly just a little, but I don't remember them hurting before.

I break easier. And I don't repair near as quick or as cheaply as I did.

I'm grouchy and grumpy. Actually this isn't a symptom. I've always been grouchy, grumpy and generally in a bad mood, so fuck you. But it ought to be a symptom so I'm listing it dammit.

I don't drive fast anymore. I drive like my father used to before he started driving even slower. I also yell at other drivers, which is normal, but now I sometimes forget to use swear words, which is bound to be a sign of getting older.

My temper is shorter and more things irritate me. Of course so many things irritated me before that most people wouldn't know the difference, but I do dammit.

I need more sleep. I can remember working 11 hours, hoping into the shower, eating a quarterpounder, blasting my eardrums at a Metalchurch/Metallica concert, sleeping 2 and 1 half hours and going to work for another 11 hours. I also remember working 10 hours, driving 3, watching ZZ Topp, driving 3 more, sleeping 3 hours, working a 12 hour shift. If I tried that now I would be in jail for what I did to the first person that got on the one nerve I would have had left at work. I used to run smooth on 4 hours sleep and 6 was average for me. Now, six is minimum, and 7 is normal. I will probably need 8 hours of sleep on average in the next 5 years. That depresses me. I feel like I need to be awake for life.

Modern comedians don't seem funny. That has to be a sign of getting old. I never thought Sandler was funny. Dane Cook doesn't make me laugh either. I do still laugh, a little, every now and then, but not at those guys. I don't like rap music either, but I didn't used to either and I don't really like country music, I don't think that is getting old, but maybe wanting to shoot people for wearing there baggy assed pants down around their knees is a sign of getting old. Why do they want to look like a plumber? Stupid assed kids and their stupid assed pants. Also, if you're a young woman and you can see your stomach when you look down at your toes, don't wear really tight low rider pants with a top that is too small for you. We don't want to see your muffin top. Fat rolls aren't attractive. I have them and I cover them, you should too. Don't wear belly shirts, buy clothes that fit you now, not that fit you three years ago, or that fit your younger cheerleader sister. You aren't turning anyone on, we're just gagging. This isn't me being old, it is just a public service announcement.

I think torture porn movies are stupid. Horror movies need to be more scary than gross. If you can't do more than gross someone out, make different kinds of movies. Other people feel different, because they are still watching Saw 500,000, and Hostel 67. So I am old.

I need more than one reason to drive to town. When I was a young whippersnapper, I used any excuse to leave the house. Oh, I used the last piece of dental floss, better go to Walmart and buy some. As long as I'm in town I'll burn up a lot of gas running up and down the main strip. Now it's damn, ran out of food, should I go buy groceries? I have to go to town to work day after tomorrow. I can probably beat that bull over in the field to death and cut enough meat off him to survive until then. Plus I have some dog treats I can chew on.

The history channel is entertaining to me. Enough said.

I robbed the cradle. My wife is more than 10 years younger than me. I gots me a young, sexy chick. I must be a dirty old man.