Why Did I Get Out of Bed?

Yesterday sucked. That was my day in a nutshell. I stayed up too late the night before chasing my wife around the house with whipped cream and an egg beater (don't ask). Anyway I was about 1:00 AM getting to bed, so at 6:30 the next morning when the alarmed beeped me awake, I wasn't too perky. I don't drink coffee, so I got up and absorbed a glass of caffine, Diet Pepsi brand. I let the Saint Bernard out to do her morning thing. I didn't eat anything, which was probably a mistake since I am back on the Atkins and nothing in the break room qualifies as high protein, low carb, or food. I checked my email then shaved, which takes some time for me since most of the surface area of my head is scraped daily. I dressed, went outside and started the car for the de-icing process. I fed the goats, came back into the house for the Pekinese, walked her for her morning thing, put her back in the kennel and the Bernard back in the utility room. Then I locked up and went to the car. Then I went back, unlocked the door and got my cell phone. I locked up again, went to the car, turned around and went back for my watch. I repeated this little scenario for my work cell, a letter I was supposed to drop in the mail, paperwork I brought home, photon torpedos, a chain firing 20 millimeter vulcan cannon, world peace, my shoes and Jimmy Hoffa. This should have been a clue.

Anyway, there was a wreck right before work and I ended up being about 15 minutes late for work. They are renovating our building. Basically, the landlord has to make certain changes if he wants his 5 year lease renewed. We are getting new carpet, new paint, they are knocking some walls out, putting come new walls up, pouring a new sidewalk around the building so I can sneak in the back door when I'm late, and expanding both employee bathrooms. In effect they are making lots of noise, dust, and confusion. Essential work items are being piled where they can't be reached, and other things are being left to be tripped over. Afterward, we are all to receive new office furnishings. Hopefully to include a filing cabinet with four working drawers and a lock, instead of the unlockable 3 1/2 drawer model I currently possess. I only had two clients to see that morning, but I had to prepare for a new case intake the next day, plus there is alway a billion things that need to be done paperwork wise, so the morning passed quickly and lunch arrived. I should have bought some McMeat from McDonalds.

I went home for lunch. Well first I went and paid a bill, then I went home. The wife was awake apparently suffering no ill effects from the late night whipped cream and egg beating (don't ask). So I nuked a can of meat, put some cheese on it, and we sat and discussed matters of great importance until I finished lunch, then I went to feed the chickens before returning to my place of labor. Of course, two of the sneaky little bastards staged a coup and revolted, breaking their shackles of oppression and running free, with me chasing the little buggers through, around and about the barn and into the yard, the damn goats cheering them on. I finally netted both little demons and stuffed them back in their pen. I was about 5 minutes late back from lunch.

My afternoon was reasonably busy, I don't usually stuff a Wednesday full, because that's when meetings, training, ect are done to us. I needed to drug test my first victim, I mean client. I brought him back for the meeting, gathered the required information and documentation, then escorted him to the drug room. There were no drug test kits. I checked where we stored the extras, there were none there either. I asked one of the managers, who told me we weren't out, but I needed to ask the woman in charge of ordering supplies where they were. I was informed that they were in the file room. The file room was a wide but shallow room in the rear of our building that housed the phone and networking equipment and massive rows of file cabinets where we keep our closed case files. It is going to be relocated to a more central area of the building, as it's present location is being turned into two rooms of unknown purpose and a broom closet. The filing cabinets have been shoved to both sides and walls erected. The test kits were in large boxes sitting on top of the filing cabinets and pushed as far back as the workmen could get them. There was no easy access.

The following feat should not be tried by anyone, ever, I am an untrained moron and only partially subject to the laws of physics.

I aquired a broom, white in color and not from the broom closet. I pushed a ladder against the newly erected, ha-ha erect, wall which has yet to meet with sheetrock, I climbed up the ladder and squeezed my upper body between two of the two-by-fours which make up the frame of the wall. Fortunately they were pine and flexible, I wouldn't have been able to do this with oak. I used the broom to hook and manuver the big box a little closer to me. The box was large and kind of heavy and the broom wasn't really intended for this sort of thing. When I got it close enough, I dropped the broom, took out my pocket knife and stabbed the box. I drug it up and pulled out of the wall. The box wouldn't fit. I squeezed back in and shoved the box to the left I banged it around and finally manuevered it into the space that would eventually be a door. I climbed off the ladder and retrieved my box. I carried it to the drug room where my client was waiting.

Our drug room is next to the lobby. The two rooms are connected by a bathroom, which serves as our whiz collection room as well as our public restroom. There are two doors. The interior door allows access from the drug test room. The exterior door allows access from the lobby. A bolt on the interior door allows us to prevent access to the drug room from the lobby. The interior door was locked from the inside. I banged on it a couple of times but got no answer. I had to go out through the main door, locking and unlocking it, into the lobby full of thugs, I mean clients, go through that door, after knocking, lock it, unlock the interior door, get my test kit pack, get my client, go in, close the interior door, and collect my sample. The I went to leave and found someone had closed the bolt on the interior door. I had to exit through the lobby again, unlock the main door, go through it, close and lock it. And I had to do this while keeping an eye on my client and balancing a test kit jar full of urine. This escape took so long that I was behind for the rest of my afternoon appointments. At least he didn't test positive for anything.