Things I Have Discovered

Well, I survived my first month as a foster parent, they actually call us resource parents.  I am also doing this solo, so I survived my first month as a single foster parent.  Some of it was fun, some frustrating, and a bit was infuriating, but it was enlightening.  I haven't been a parent, so while I realize it isn't exactly like being a Dad.  I don't have any sort of biological connection to the boy, and I haven't known him since the day he was born.  I have only the vaguest idea what he's been through and have to figure out what he has been taught, what values he has had instilled in him, and what he feels is normal.  I am 45 years old and grew up in a small town in the rural southern United States.  So my upbringing was conservative and conventional and probably would be considered old-fashioned among other less polite adjectives, so some of what I am discovering saddens me.

I have the boy in an after school program to try to improve his grades.  It also means my parents only have to deal with him on Friday afternoon for a little while until I make it home.  When picking him up last week he asked me when my job was over.  I told him I normally finished work sometime between 4:30 and 5:30, it was a bit different every day.  He then said no, when was my job done.  I told him that it was never done.  That surprised him.  Next he asked me when I got my summer break.  I told him I didn't get a summer break, breaks were over when you finished school  I did get vacation time, but not a long break.  So he suggested I quit my job.  I told him if I quit, I would no longer get paid and we couldn't afford to live.  He was puzzled by this and asked why I wouldn't get a check in the mail every month like everyone else.

Apparently in his view of normal things no one connected to him had to work.  I've already discussed his diet in a previous post.  I was also made aware during a meeting with his teacher, principal, school psychiatrist, caseworker, and special education specialists that apparently in his first 2 years of school he attended school about 100 days.  That's for both years.

It is really sad that no one has ever taken care of this child.  He doesn't understand about work, school has never been stressed as important.  I finally made him understand that he wasn't going back to his parent in a few days and he is starting to take school a bit more seriously.  But I feel more a drill instructor than parent.  He sits down at the table and writes spelling words while I prepare dinner.  Then we go through homework, he is a little better about knowing what he needs to do.  For the first several weeks I had to search his backpack examining every paper and making a best guess at what needed to be done.  On several occasions he deliberately forgot stuff.  I started making up homework harder than he would have had.  But it really boiled down to that meeting when I found how much he was playing the teacher and me against each other and being a very sneaky about school work.  He lost all tv, movie, and video game rights for 1 week.  I left the playstation and xbox in his room but confiscated controllers and power supplies.  I took all remotes and everything was locked in my room.  I would not let him on the computers either.  Of course, I didn't have any TV and had the boy non-stop for a week, so we both got punished, but with a few minor exceptions he has behaved better.

The impressions I get is the boy was ignored and allowed to do as he pleased, he ate what he wanted, as much as he wanted, and was occasionally given stuff when the parents felt guilty about letting him raise himself.  He seems to have had no rules or chores.  So I am a bit of a shock to him.  He also tends to talk back and wants to argue.  Initially he would walk into a room, take over the TV even if you watch it.  He now asks if he can watch TV or change the channel if it was on.  After taking over the TV, he would turn off the lights, even if you were in the room reading or writing, so he could see it better.  That happened twice, not once since.  He ate meals in front of the TV or in bed,  left his clothes where he took them off and left the soap laying in the bathtub.  He now eats at the table, eats what is on his plate and asks permission to leave the table.  I had to institute that last part, because I found him stuffing his mouth full then flushing vegetables he didn't like down the toilet.  I am still working on the clothes thing, but that might be 9 year old boy.  I bought him body wash in a Spiderman bottle because I wasn't quite ready to add another front to the war.  The back talk and arguing is an ongoing battle, but is improving.  Some of it might be attention seeking.  He has tried cursing once, and told me to bite him once.  Both those were dealt with.  He has tried crying on me twice, I ignore it.  Both times were frustration over being made to sit and do homework.  If he don't like to do something he tries to wear me down by doing it slowly or by rushing it and not paying attention.  He has to redo it.  Since he knows it is coming, he will often take an hour or more to eat.  When he finally realizes that he has used up all his free time and will have to take a bath and go bed, he gets mad.  So he tries to cry.  I ignore it.  He stops.  A couple of weeks ago after a crying jag, he went back to working then looked up at me and glared.  He then informed me he was mad at me.  Apparently this was supposed to have some sort of earthshaking consequence.  I informed him that I didn't care, and went to washing dishes. I think this is when he realized he was really no longer in charge.

The sermon at church Sunday was on fatherhood and the pastor pointed out that when you became a parent, raising that child was now a major priority.  It was god, then family, then whatever else.  He pointed out that was no longer the norm in the US.  He said that often the child ruled the family.  "Why," he asked, "you are so much bigger."  "But Pastor, he says he hates me if I punish him."  "So?  He'll get over it!"  And he does.

I don't have the answers.  I am stumbling along blindly on advice, instinct and memory, but being there, being in charge, being willing to suffer a bit, spending time, and showing and doing instead of just telling seem to be making a difference in the way my little man behaves and I am seeing some changes that may hint at bigger things.  And it isn't just me, one of the counselors mentioned he seemed better behaved and calmer last week.  Updates later.