Things I Have Discovered

Well, I survived my first month as a foster parent, they actually call us resource parents.  I am also doing this solo, so I survived my first month as a single foster parent.  Some of it was fun, some frustrating, and a bit was infuriating, but it was enlightening.  I haven't been a parent, so while I realize it isn't exactly like being a Dad.  I don't have any sort of biological connection to the boy, and I haven't known him since the day he was born.  I have only the vaguest idea what he's been through and have to figure out what he has been taught, what values he has had instilled in him, and what he feels is normal.  I am 45 years old and grew up in a small town in the rural southern United States.  So my upbringing was conservative and conventional and probably would be considered old-fashioned among other less polite adjectives, so some of what I am discovering saddens me.

I have the boy in an after school program to try to improve his grades.  It also means my parents only have to deal with him on Friday afternoon for a little while until I make it home.  When picking him up last week he asked me when my job was over.  I told him I normally finished work sometime between 4:30 and 5:30, it was a bit different every day.  He then said no, when was my job done.  I told him that it was never done.  That surprised him.  Next he asked me when I got my summer break.  I told him I didn't get a summer break, breaks were over when you finished school  I did get vacation time, but not a long break.  So he suggested I quit my job.  I told him if I quit, I would no longer get paid and we couldn't afford to live.  He was puzzled by this and asked why I wouldn't get a check in the mail every month like everyone else.

Apparently in his view of normal things no one connected to him had to work.  I've already discussed his diet in a previous post.  I was also made aware during a meeting with his teacher, principal, school psychiatrist, caseworker, and special education specialists that apparently in his first 2 years of school he attended school about 100 days.  That's for both years.

It is really sad that no one has ever taken care of this child.  He doesn't understand about work, school has never been stressed as important.  I finally made him understand that he wasn't going back to his parent in a few days and he is starting to take school a bit more seriously.  But I feel more a drill instructor than parent.  He sits down at the table and writes spelling words while I prepare dinner.  Then we go through homework, he is a little better about knowing what he needs to do.  For the first several weeks I had to search his backpack examining every paper and making a best guess at what needed to be done.  On several occasions he deliberately forgot stuff.  I started making up homework harder than he would have had.  But it really boiled down to that meeting when I found how much he was playing the teacher and me against each other and being a very sneaky about school work.  He lost all tv, movie, and video game rights for 1 week.  I left the playstation and xbox in his room but confiscated controllers and power supplies.  I took all remotes and everything was locked in my room.  I would not let him on the computers either.  Of course, I didn't have any TV and had the boy non-stop for a week, so we both got punished, but with a few minor exceptions he has behaved better.

The impressions I get is the boy was ignored and allowed to do as he pleased, he ate what he wanted, as much as he wanted, and was occasionally given stuff when the parents felt guilty about letting him raise himself.  He seems to have had no rules or chores.  So I am a bit of a shock to him.  He also tends to talk back and wants to argue.  Initially he would walk into a room, take over the TV even if you watch it.  He now asks if he can watch TV or change the channel if it was on.  After taking over the TV, he would turn off the lights, even if you were in the room reading or writing, so he could see it better.  That happened twice, not once since.  He ate meals in front of the TV or in bed,  left his clothes where he took them off and left the soap laying in the bathtub.  He now eats at the table, eats what is on his plate and asks permission to leave the table.  I had to institute that last part, because I found him stuffing his mouth full then flushing vegetables he didn't like down the toilet.  I am still working on the clothes thing, but that might be 9 year old boy.  I bought him body wash in a Spiderman bottle because I wasn't quite ready to add another front to the war.  The back talk and arguing is an ongoing battle, but is improving.  Some of it might be attention seeking.  He has tried cursing once, and told me to bite him once.  Both those were dealt with.  He has tried crying on me twice, I ignore it.  Both times were frustration over being made to sit and do homework.  If he don't like to do something he tries to wear me down by doing it slowly or by rushing it and not paying attention.  He has to redo it.  Since he knows it is coming, he will often take an hour or more to eat.  When he finally realizes that he has used up all his free time and will have to take a bath and go bed, he gets mad.  So he tries to cry.  I ignore it.  He stops.  A couple of weeks ago after a crying jag, he went back to working then looked up at me and glared.  He then informed me he was mad at me.  Apparently this was supposed to have some sort of earthshaking consequence.  I informed him that I didn't care, and went to washing dishes. I think this is when he realized he was really no longer in charge.

The sermon at church Sunday was on fatherhood and the pastor pointed out that when you became a parent, raising that child was now a major priority.  It was god, then family, then whatever else.  He pointed out that was no longer the norm in the US.  He said that often the child ruled the family.  "Why," he asked, "you are so much bigger."  "But Pastor, he says he hates me if I punish him."  "So?  He'll get over it!"  And he does.

I don't have the answers.  I am stumbling along blindly on advice, instinct and memory, but being there, being in charge, being willing to suffer a bit, spending time, and showing and doing instead of just telling seem to be making a difference in the way my little man behaves and I am seeing some changes that may hint at bigger things.  And it isn't just me, one of the counselors mentioned he seemed better behaved and calmer last week.  Updates later.

The Mind of a 9-year-old Boy and other Horrible Things

It's been 2 weeks now as a single foster-father of a nine-year-old boy.  It's been culture shock.  I have learned much.  First, the reason God sealed our heads shut, was because if he didn't 9 year-old boys would leave their brains on the school bus.  Why not, they don't seem to use them!  Last week, my foster son left a perfectly good red and blue light weight jacket on the school bus.  Yesterday, the bus dropped him off at my parents.  When I showed up to get him, I was jumped by an angry mother, because I let him go to school on such a cold day with no jacket.  I turned around around and asked him, "Where's your jacket?" "I didn't wear...didn't wear one today, remember?" he answered.  "You didn't wear one?" I asked innocently.  "Yeah," he said sounding more confident.  "I didn't wear one."  "Then what do you call the blue and white thing you put on when I told you to put on a jacket right before we left the house this morning?"  This caused my Dad to snicker.  "Oh, yeah, I left that in the gym."  An interrogation followed that left me with the certain knowledge that maybe the jacket had been left in the gym, he may or may not have told his teacher, who may or may not have taken him to check the lost and found."  I went into the school this morning, but no one was in the office.  I called the school today, he has a light windbreaker and a winter coat, but his two middle weight jackets are MIA.  The windbreaker may be when I get home tonight, as he wore it today.  I saw him pull it off the minute he hit the gym and sat down to wait for breakfast to be served.

He doesn't like school.  Getting homework information is like interrogating a war criminal without a waterboard.  The teacher does send stuff home, including a list of the next weeks homework assignments on Friday.  Monday he was to do 2 pages of math, I am unsure whether it was for homework or inclass.  He didn't have a handout to do and turn in, but he brought this language and science books, neither of which he had homework in.  He also brought a sheet they completed in school. It was seven questions involving science terms.  He was to have filled in the missing words.  The needed words were listed at top.  There were seven of those also.  Not too tricky.  The ugly red note said he was given 30 minutes to complete it and turned it in blank.  When he was given a second chance to do it, he completed it in 5 minutes, but all seven were wrong.  I sat him down at the kitchen table.  Turned off every electronic gadget in the house and he corrected the sheet while I made dinner.  Then he was forced to eat horrid vegetables.  He went to the bathroom twice.  I am fairly sure he was spitting out carrots and flushing them.  (The veggies weren't punishment, I ate them, they were good.  He just wants to live on junk food.)  Then homework, then valentines for the party, then putting away clean laundry and picking up dirty laundry, then he had an hour left to play video games.

Last night he brought home an empty backpack.  First time he ever carried it home empty.  Very suspicious behavior, I thought.  He claimed no homework.  I had his spelling words, so he wrote those 10 times each as I cooked dinner.  He tried to cheat and only do them 7, 8, or 9 times, so he had to finish them and write them again 5 times each.  He again tried to be sneaky.   He "finished" his vegetables and left the table, left cheek bulging.  "Where are you going?" I inquired.  "Bathroom" he answered.  "Wait a minute, please." When he turned around and looked at me I said, "Swallow first."  He did then sat back down.  I made up 20 math problems based on his last 2 homework sheets.  He did those.  Then he fixed the ones he did wrong.  Then I made up sentences with his spelling words and he wrote those out 3 times each to practice his cursive.   Then he picked up his room.  He had an hour of free time before bed.  Which meant I had 2 hours of free time before bed.  I really miss my nightly news.

He has some bad habits.  For instance, when he enters a room, he is king.  He thinks nothing of changing the TV channel regardless of who is watching it.  If he finds a show he likes he will also turn off the light to enhance his viewing pleasure, even if I am reading or writing something.  That has stopped.  He also has some eating issues.  I am told 9 year-old boys are basically walking converters of food to poop.  But this is excessive.  I no longer poke food down him when he starts this.  I allow him some snacks, but not what he is  used to.  He is being forced to eat what is put on the table.  He can have a decent serving of meat, but has to eat all the vegetables on his plate or no snacks.  I am also working with limiting his liquids between bed and supper.  He has some sleeping issues.  Last weekend I think he got up at night and spent a few hours between 11 PM and 2 AM playing games Friday night.  I had taken some cold medicine that made me sleep deeper than normal but woke a bit after 2 and caught him trying to enter the DVD code.  I know he sat up most of Saturday night watching Dragon Ball Z DVD's I got him.  I didnt' let him nap Sunday, but we had a rough Sunday night because a call from his mother gave him night terrors that didn't leave until midnight.  He slept okay Monday and Tuesday nights, at least nothing woke me and there was no evidence the next morning, I gave up on night time cold meds after Saturday night.  He lost his DVD's Sunday.  I also told him if I caught him watching TV, movies or playing games after bedtime again, all electronic stuff was poof and probably not coming back.  Previous placements have said he wandered the house at night.  I don't think he is.  I am resigned to the fact that I will be warden.  Hopefully we will bond more, he is a cute guy and can be very fun and funny when he lets himself be a kid, but that isn't often.  Hopefully, I can eventually soften the structure a bit, but it really seems to be what he needs.  He seems happy when he isn't testing the boundaries.  He had an initial habit of wanting to throw fits in public places and acting out.  He would also run off.  We established on the third day with me that I wasn't chasing him.  I told him in the middle of Walmart, "You'll either come back or you won't, and if you don't I'll come up with a good story for DSC."  He hasn't run off since.  I initially tried to reason with him him on the fits, but Saturday I just started ignoring them.  I decided it was attention seeking and rewarding it was just feeding the behavior.  Haven't had him out in public again since then so not sure if it's working or not.