Not having a fun weekend. Friday the boy came home with better grades on study sheets and homework than normal so I attempted to reward him with a dvd with episodes of his favorite tv show on it. This seemed to work and he spent friday evening absorbed in it. I sent him to bed at 9 and he still had some unwatched episodes. I've had issues with him and getting up at night and doing things, especially tv and games so there are strict rules as to when electronic devices can come on in the house and basically it's after I am up and have given permission. Around 5AM I heard a door sweaking. Then I heard him in his bathroom, then another door. Since he insists on sleeping with his bedroom door open, a lamp on in his bedroom, the bathroom light on, my bedroom door open and my bathroom light on, the only door that should be moving is the bathroom. I got up to investigate. He's propped up in bed reading a comic book. "Oh you're up." he says. "No I'm not. Go back to sleep." "What time is it?" asks the boy I have to wake up every school day at 6AM. "It's 5 o'clock in the morning. Go back to sleep." He looks surprised, but rolls over after I take the book away. I tried to go back to sleep, but he kept making noise often enough I knew he wasn't sleeping. So at 6:30 I gave up and got up. He pops up about 30 seconds after and asks when we are going to town. I told him definitely not now. He stammers around and then asks if he can turn on his "game system." The ps2 is also his dvd player. I told him no. He asked why. I told him there was no reason for him to be up before 5 am on a Saturday, and if he couldn't be considerate enough to let us old folks sleep, he couldn't watch his shows. He then asked if he could play a game, I asked how since he couldn't turn on the systems. He then asked what he could do. I suggested he finish the book he was "reading" at 5 am. He stomped off. After I calmed down I started breakfast. He came out of his room to inform me he was in condition yellow, "hungry". This is his second most common condition, with condition red, "bored" being the first. Although condition black, "grounded" is fast approaching to challenge. I told him I was working on breakfast. He asked what it was. I told him scrambled eggs and ham. He declared that "nasty" and demanded cereal. When I told him that he knew the rules and he ate what was put in front of him. He screamed he didn't like that, he wanted cereal. He, from what I can determine, has never eaten an egg. He stormed into his room and climbed into bed. After I had breakfast on the table, I told him to come and eat. He screamed he didn't want that he wanted cereal. I walked into his room and told him in the voice I usually reserve for telling me clients that the nice person in the uniform standing behind them is there to fit them for some special bracelets that he was to get out there and eat breakfast. He screamed I don't want to into my face. I told him the game systems were going for the weekend. He said he didn't care so I unhooked the xbox and playstation and took them to my room. Then I yelled into the room that his food was in the microwave, but he wasn't getting anything else until lunch. Next time I walked past his door he was asleep.




After we finished our errands in town, I told the boy we were going to rearrange furniture. We put the futon out in the storage building and then I stuck a tv stand in the living room. Then I went to his room and hauled the tv out onto the stand. I expected to hear a squawk. Nothing. He went and started hauling out cables. I got the xbox and ps2 out of my room and hooked everything up. I looked around and he was hauling the rest of his belongings out and dropping them on the couch. I asked what he was doing and he said he was bringing the rest of his stuff out here. "The REST of your stuff?" He said yes since that wasn't his room anymore, pointing at his room. "Why isn't that your room?" "You moved my stuff in here," he said pointing to the games. Don't start saying "aww.... poor little guy." When I first got the ps2, I told him it was mine, and it belonged to the house, he could use it, but it stayed here when he left. I tried to be nice about it and explained that the next little boy that came along would need it. At which point he informed me that it was too bad for that little boy, but he didn't care, that was his and he was taking it all when he left. Which was how he was actually grounded from the ps2 2 hours after I brought it home. I again informed him those weren't his and I was putting them where I could keep a closer eye on them. I made him move his other stuff back into the bedroom. He then came out and expressed curiosity as to whether or not I was allowed to play on the game systems. I told him that I most definitely could play on them. He then went to sulk for awhile. Later that day he came out into the living room. Looked at the tv, then me and the boy who cannot sleep unless he can see from one end of the house to the other from his bed asked me, extremely casually if I ever slept with my bedroom door shut. That's when I told him if he ever broke a rule involving games or tv again, the whole mess was getting locked in the gun cabinet and he was never seeing any of it again. I don't think he believes me.






Sunday:




I woke him for church. After church we ate then I started housecleaning. We have a lot of caseworkers wandering in and out this week, would rather the place look neat.


Beautiful spring-like day, the windows are up, the fans going, and I'm cleaning the carpet. The boy squeals, "There's a wasp in the house." "Leave it alone, I'm sure it eats less than you, we'll call it Fred."





Five hours later:





The boy walks into the house and across my freshly shampooed living room carpet, looks at me and says, "What do you want me to do with my shoes, they're muddy?" Yes he is still alive, but not happy.

Things I Have Discovered

Well, I survived my first month as a foster parent, they actually call us resource parents.  I am also doing this solo, so I survived my first month as a single foster parent.  Some of it was fun, some frustrating, and a bit was infuriating, but it was enlightening.  I haven't been a parent, so while I realize it isn't exactly like being a Dad.  I don't have any sort of biological connection to the boy, and I haven't known him since the day he was born.  I have only the vaguest idea what he's been through and have to figure out what he has been taught, what values he has had instilled in him, and what he feels is normal.  I am 45 years old and grew up in a small town in the rural southern United States.  So my upbringing was conservative and conventional and probably would be considered old-fashioned among other less polite adjectives, so some of what I am discovering saddens me.

I have the boy in an after school program to try to improve his grades.  It also means my parents only have to deal with him on Friday afternoon for a little while until I make it home.  When picking him up last week he asked me when my job was over.  I told him I normally finished work sometime between 4:30 and 5:30, it was a bit different every day.  He then said no, when was my job done.  I told him that it was never done.  That surprised him.  Next he asked me when I got my summer break.  I told him I didn't get a summer break, breaks were over when you finished school  I did get vacation time, but not a long break.  So he suggested I quit my job.  I told him if I quit, I would no longer get paid and we couldn't afford to live.  He was puzzled by this and asked why I wouldn't get a check in the mail every month like everyone else.

Apparently in his view of normal things no one connected to him had to work.  I've already discussed his diet in a previous post.  I was also made aware during a meeting with his teacher, principal, school psychiatrist, caseworker, and special education specialists that apparently in his first 2 years of school he attended school about 100 days.  That's for both years.

It is really sad that no one has ever taken care of this child.  He doesn't understand about work, school has never been stressed as important.  I finally made him understand that he wasn't going back to his parent in a few days and he is starting to take school a bit more seriously.  But I feel more a drill instructor than parent.  He sits down at the table and writes spelling words while I prepare dinner.  Then we go through homework, he is a little better about knowing what he needs to do.  For the first several weeks I had to search his backpack examining every paper and making a best guess at what needed to be done.  On several occasions he deliberately forgot stuff.  I started making up homework harder than he would have had.  But it really boiled down to that meeting when I found how much he was playing the teacher and me against each other and being a very sneaky about school work.  He lost all tv, movie, and video game rights for 1 week.  I left the playstation and xbox in his room but confiscated controllers and power supplies.  I took all remotes and everything was locked in my room.  I would not let him on the computers either.  Of course, I didn't have any TV and had the boy non-stop for a week, so we both got punished, but with a few minor exceptions he has behaved better.

The impressions I get is the boy was ignored and allowed to do as he pleased, he ate what he wanted, as much as he wanted, and was occasionally given stuff when the parents felt guilty about letting him raise himself.  He seems to have had no rules or chores.  So I am a bit of a shock to him.  He also tends to talk back and wants to argue.  Initially he would walk into a room, take over the TV even if you watch it.  He now asks if he can watch TV or change the channel if it was on.  After taking over the TV, he would turn off the lights, even if you were in the room reading or writing, so he could see it better.  That happened twice, not once since.  He ate meals in front of the TV or in bed,  left his clothes where he took them off and left the soap laying in the bathtub.  He now eats at the table, eats what is on his plate and asks permission to leave the table.  I had to institute that last part, because I found him stuffing his mouth full then flushing vegetables he didn't like down the toilet.  I am still working on the clothes thing, but that might be 9 year old boy.  I bought him body wash in a Spiderman bottle because I wasn't quite ready to add another front to the war.  The back talk and arguing is an ongoing battle, but is improving.  Some of it might be attention seeking.  He has tried cursing once, and told me to bite him once.  Both those were dealt with.  He has tried crying on me twice, I ignore it.  Both times were frustration over being made to sit and do homework.  If he don't like to do something he tries to wear me down by doing it slowly or by rushing it and not paying attention.  He has to redo it.  Since he knows it is coming, he will often take an hour or more to eat.  When he finally realizes that he has used up all his free time and will have to take a bath and go bed, he gets mad.  So he tries to cry.  I ignore it.  He stops.  A couple of weeks ago after a crying jag, he went back to working then looked up at me and glared.  He then informed me he was mad at me.  Apparently this was supposed to have some sort of earthshaking consequence.  I informed him that I didn't care, and went to washing dishes. I think this is when he realized he was really no longer in charge.

The sermon at church Sunday was on fatherhood and the pastor pointed out that when you became a parent, raising that child was now a major priority.  It was god, then family, then whatever else.  He pointed out that was no longer the norm in the US.  He said that often the child ruled the family.  "Why," he asked, "you are so much bigger."  "But Pastor, he says he hates me if I punish him."  "So?  He'll get over it!"  And he does.

I don't have the answers.  I am stumbling along blindly on advice, instinct and memory, but being there, being in charge, being willing to suffer a bit, spending time, and showing and doing instead of just telling seem to be making a difference in the way my little man behaves and I am seeing some changes that may hint at bigger things.  And it isn't just me, one of the counselors mentioned he seemed better behaved and calmer last week.  Updates later.