Chiggers

I forgot to explain the chigger reference in my last post. I live in what used to be called the country. Now it is really just a space between subdivisions where they have not yet put a subdivision. Mainly because I go out in the front yard periodically and act like a psychopath so no one will want to be my neighbor who isn't related to me. That's beside the point. The local mailman delivers, but he quite unreasonably insists a machete should not be required to leave the mail in my box, so when the weeds get about a foot or so above the box he starts leaving nasty notes threatening to dump my mail in the ditch if I don't cut the grass around the box. I've done that twice this year, and should probably just buy some agent orange and defoliate the area, but the local military surplus store gave me a rather weird stare when I asked for a spray bottle of it and claimed they were out. Apparently they don't keep a large stock of napalm either. I noticed the other day that the weeds were past the bottom of the box, but it was 150 in the shade, so I didn't feel like arguing with the lazy-assed weed whacker, so I attempted to stomp down the offending plants. It doesn't seem to have worked, but apparently the plants, in an effort to exact revenge, dropped chiggers on me. Chiggers, for those who have never experienced them, are tiny larva stage mites. When full grown, they eat plants, but as larva they prefer birds and reptiles, unfortunately occasionally they decide to snack on humans. They are so tiny you can't actually see one. The traditional southern wisdom says that they bore into your skin and suck your blood. This isn't correct. I have the symptoms, raised, very itchy bumps with little red/black spots in the center. I have about 6 on my right ankle, two behind my right knee and one right above my right knee and nowhere else. This is why I decided it was from the mailbox incident. I plan the machete the offending plant life when I get home.

Traditional southern wisdom offers several cures including washing the area with either kerosene, bleach, gasoline, or brick acid. I made the last one up. My favorite though, from my childhood, when outbreaks of this was common, was to paint the area with clear nail polish. It had to be clear, if it was pink or light blue your friends would make fun of you. This was supposed to smother the chigger and kill it. Now that I am older, wiser, and Al Gore invented the fount of all knowledge, the internet, I know that this is all wrong. Apparently the chigger doesn't burrow into the skin. It sets on top and can easily be brushed off, scratching the bite is enough to do it. When the chigger bites, it inject saliva into the wound. The saliva dissolves the skin which the chigger sucks up. Since mammals were never intended to be it's victim, we aren't a good one for it. The saliva irritates our skin causing itching. It also causes the skin to react making it harden the area around the bite so it resists the saliva, this causes the hard bump, the dark spot is the hole from the disolved skin, not the offending chigger, which is too tiny to see with a naked eye. It generally takes about a week to 10 days for the skin to repair itself. The actual damage comes from scratching the bites as you usually cut the skin and since fingernails play host to germs like crazy, it can cause secondary infections. If you are in a weedy area in the summer, the best thing to do is take a soapy shower as soon as possible. Hopefully you will wash the little buggers off before the bite.

Next, lets all make a pact. Tomorrow at 6:30 AM let's all go to McDonalds and order chicken nuggets, then refuse to believe they don't serve them, go to the drive-in window and argue with the server, punch her repeatedly in the face, try to climb through the drive through window, then shatter the window with a heavy object from our car and drive off. If you haven't seen the video, go to YouTube. You can probably find it by searching for "blonde, trailer-trash looking psycho bitch beating down a McDonalds employee in drive through window over chicken nuggets."