Private Detectives

A couple of years ago, give or take a couple of years, I was sitting in my office trying to figure out a way to bring in some extra money. I was struck suddenly with a weird idea. I had access to resources of information most people didn't, so I could maybe get a PI license and take advantage of this. So I hopped on the information superhighway and did a bit of research. It took me maybe 30 minutes to track down and assimulation the information. It was a bit more money than I wanted to spend, (the individual license wasn't bad, but you could only use that if you were going to work for an existing agency. If you were going solo you had to get an agency license which was $250). I then checked and saw what would happen if I were caught using the information and resources available to me due to my possession outside of my official capacity and decided to work as a part-time janitor.

That was basically the background for this story. I was looking through a local free internet classified site shortly after the above story when I noticed an individual in an bordering county advertising himself pretty heavily as a private detective and begging for work. This guy updated his adds religiously because they were always in the top 5 posts for several days. I finally got curious and checked him out. The adds were written in a rather unprofessional way and seemed more than a tad immature or maybe fanciful. I could picture the guy seeing himself as Magnum PI. His adds stated he would find missing persons, tail people, look for thieves, ect. Something about these ads just annoyed the living hell out of me. I decided, for whatever reason, to investigate myself. I started by looking for a license. They guy had his contact information in his add, and since it required a state license it was easy to see if he had one. I didn't even have to use my official capacity. You can go onto the state website and click on the department of commerce and insurance link. They issue all of the professional licenses and anyone can use there database to see if someone is licenced. That's how you can make sure your dentist, doctor, insurance salesman, ect. is legit. This guy had no state P.I. license. So I sent him an email asking him if he was a licensed PI. He sent one back stating he had graduated from an online detective school and they had trained him and gave him all the tools he needed to be a detective.

I replied and said that was fine and dandy, but most, if not all states required Private Investigators to be licensed. I told him the requirements for this state, sent him links to the pertinent websites as proof and mentioned that if someone official noticed his ads or if he should accept money to perform professional services, and said person filed a complaint, he could find himself in a not pleasant situation. He sent back an email thanking me and stating he had wondered how to get his license but hadn't been able to find out.

This gentleman wants to hunt for thieves, trail cheating spouses and find missing persons for money, but can't do a damn Google search for "How to get a Private Investigator license in Tennessee"? Yeah, I'll send him all my business. I didn't see his ads on that site anymore after that.

WOOOHOOO I'm Rich

I checked my personal email this morning just like every morning and there it was, for some reason in the junk mail folder. It seems I won the British Columbian lottery. I was so happy I forgot to read how much I won. It's odd though. I don't live in British Columbia. Hell, I don't live in Canada. I do occasionally talk to a Canadian woman on MSN. Maybe that was enough. I still don't remember entering though. Does British Columbia even have a lottery? Well, it doesn't matter I won. And if that wasn't enough for one morning, some lady I never heard of much less met, is dying from cancer. She became hypertensive when her husband passed away and had a stroke, so her personal care nurse is doing her internet stuff for her. Anyway she has no family and her late husbands family are rat bastards who mistreated him, so she is having her nurse choose random profiles on the internet to give her husbands immense fortune to. So I was chosen to receive 950,000 British pounds. All I have to do is contact her lawyer at one of the 2 rather unprofessional looking email addresses provided and give him some personal information. I'm doing good with stuff with British in it, British Columbia and British pounds. Maybe it's because I caught up on my Doctor Who and Torchwood this winter.

I also have several offers to test (and KEEP) Dell laptops and if I take 10 minutes to complete a survey about Facebook I get my choice of a $200 gift including an ipod touch.

Does anyone really fall for this shit anymore? Someone must or they wouldn't keep sending the stuff out. Really people. If you read the fine print on the free offers they are never free. The surveys are long and eventually you have to complete a certain number of offers that involve either giving out your cell phone or credit card number, which will eventually cost you 3 to 4 times the value of the prize anyway. That's assuming anyone actually gets the laptop or ipod.

And as far as the other scams go, I can't believe anyone falls for them. Are there actually people out there that believe you can win something you never entered? And with all the various news stories on the internet, television and newspapers, does anyone believe dying people give there money to randomly chosen stangers or that thieves in exotic places need to use your personal bank account to hide funds while they transfer them out of one county into another. That's what Cayman Island bank accounts are for. If you get an email that sounds too good to be true, IT FREAKING IS. Do a google search using the subject line or the first line of the email. That's all it takes to find out.

Zombie Attack Part Two

Remember my long rambling disjointed post about my wife's laptop being repaired. Remember how I told you they wiped the damn thing and returned it to factory condition? Well, here is the follow up to the situation.

Since my wife and I no longer live together and she is planning to go to a sunnier warmer, more southern state to look for a job, she was depending on her lappy. Since I would not be easily available for repairs, once the laptop was like she wanted it, I made a backup image of the hard drive. I used Norton Ghost, because I've used it in the past and it was readily available. I ghosted it onto 3 dvds for her and set up a bootable usb stick. I also included a folder with her drivers on the usb stick, just incase she had a driver crap out on her. So when the laptop came back and I gave it to her, she went back to where she is staying and tried to reimage it. It didn't work. She called me and I tried to talk her through it. I finally gave up and told her to bring it to me. She finally did last night, and I couldn't get it to work either. I had no trouble getting it to create the image last August, but it wouldn't find the dvd drive for anything to reverse the process now. I change boot order, I loaded ghost from the USB stick and from DVD, but to no avail. Finally something jarred my memory. I had monkeyed with the boot order earlier, but I had gone no further in the bios. I went back in and sure enough, the setting on the drives was moved to sata. I put in on ide setting and everything came up roses. I reimaged her lappy back to its state in August. Ghost apparently doesn't like the ata drives, it found the hard drive, but not the dvd, even when booted to and loaded from said dvd. Does what ever process the factory service people use automatically reset the bios, or did some tech deliberately go in and reset everything I wonder. Oh well, all's well that ends that way I guess.

Ummm---I Know Where to Hole Up When the Zombies Attack

Last summer (glorious time of year with no wet white cold stuff) my wife acquire a laptop computer. It was an Acer, and seemed to be pretty nice. It came with the operating system from the 8th layer of hell (WinDOHs Vista). She hated Vista with the same passion Sarah Polin feels toward Family Guy and so I replaced it with XP. It was my first encounter with Vista, also the point when I found a) most laptops have SATA hard drives and, b) Widows XP doesnt' come with standard SATA drivers, making installing it a bit of an issue. Fortunately her computer bios let me reset to ide mode for the hard drive. I later discovered a Toshiba laptop that didn't offer that bios option and I had to slipstream SATA drivers into a copy of XP.

Anyway, after hunting down, downloading and installing her drivers and all her favorite programs, the laptop was running like and charm and all was well for about 2 months, then her screen started developing lines. She showed it to me and it looked like a hardware issue. The laptop was under warranty so off it went. I just got the thing back. Now Acer was actually pretty easy to deal with on it. They said the lcd was "bleeding" and it was covered at no cost. Really the only problem I had with it was they reimaged the hard drive back to factory original. Now the repair agreement warns that they may need to do this to fix the problem, but this issue was a faulty lcd screen, not a driver issue of operating system issue. One look made it pretty obvious what was wrong, so why wipe it and start over? I suppose if I griped I would be told they had to diagnose the thing, but truth is it's stupid.

The thing came with a disclaimer claiming that the warranty would be voided if any operating system other than Vista was used. I doubt that would stand up legally, especially with microsoft being looked at for possibly violating anti-trust laws. I can see both sides I guess. I would hate to have to eat the cost of repairing an item is it was damaged by an improper driver being used or something, although basically I would think a driver would either let the component work or it wouldn't work. It might cause the company to spend some time diagnosing the issue, then resolving it, but I would think the compontent wouldn't need to be replaced. But really, if there are drivers available, what should it matter if I run Vista, XP, 7, or some form of linux?

I don't like Vista. Just moving a file from one folder to another was a chore and a half. Microsoft is trying to make an operating system that is stable, secure, and does everything anyone could possibly want and is idiot proof. Why? Let other people worry about browsers, image views, media players, ect. Build the darn operating system and let other developers worry about the rest. If you want to offer the items fine, but don't bundle everything together and cram it down our throats as a package deal that runs slow, crashes a lot, or requires me to confirm what I want to do and give permission 38 times before my computer does it. The little bit I have played with Windows 7 it seems a big improvement and I think I can probably live with it, but at the moment I think I will wait and see. My experience with first, second, or third editions of a new microsoft product is not good. I have a lot of stuff for XP also, so for the next year or so I will stick with XP. I would almost like to switch to Linux, I have tried a couple of different builds on it and like them, but the 2 online games I am hopelessly addicted to don't support it so no can do.

Anyway, I told you that to tell you this. I shipped her lappy off via Fedex air. It was returned Fedex ground. Those aren't the samething, at least not here. I found a door sticker yesterday stating they had tried to deliver and needed a signature. I was supposed to sign it and leave it on the door. The picture of the laptop sitting on my snow covered porch under the dripping icycles waiting for me to get home firmly in mind, I called the number on the tag and convinced them to hold it in the terminal. They first told me holding for pickup was not part of the ground service, but when I explained what it was and why I couldn't be there to receive it, they agreed tand gave me an address. Now I was speaking to a 1-800 number rather than the actual local terminal. I didn't recognise the Ten Tex Road name and asked if it was off Jackson Street, I was told no it was showing as off Brown Mill Road. That wasn't too far from my work so I felt safe.

The next morning I verified it was being held and called work to say I would be a few minutes late. I then drove to Brown Mill Road and went to the end of it without seeing Ten Tex Road. I did see a Fedex Ground sign in front of a semi-deserted warehouse with noone there. I then drove to Jackson Street and discovered that not only were Fedex Air and Fedex Ground not the same (oddly UPS seems to live with one terminal for all their travel elements locally) but apparently mortal enemies. After making some symbols in the air I assume were to ward off evil, (either that or I am now cursed to never ship another package via air) she gave me some very vague directions. I went to work and looked up the address on the mighty mapquest. I printed out the instructions. It looked like I should have taken Brown Mill Road, taken the first left onto Ten Tex. I wondered how the hell I missed that.

So I drove to Brown Mill and the first left was not Ten Tex. I again drove out to the end of the road and again found no road, right or left was called Ten Tex. I returned and took the last right and it wrapped around and came out about 100 yards off 111 from where I entered Brown Mill Road. Remembering the Fedex Air directions, something about moved behind a truck stop, I went to the truck stop. I noticed that the entrance to the truck stop continued across the front and wrapped around the building so I followed it and it became a road. Following this road I encountered a road turning to my right called Ten Tex. This road lead straight to the survialist's armed encampment, I mean the FedEx Ground terminal.

About 2 years ago I had to drive to Charles Bass Correctional Facility for a parole hearing. It was interesting in that Charles Bass was located in an industrial park in Nashville. You are driving along passing warehouses and factories and then suddenly come what looks like any other large factory except for the 8 foot tall chainlink topped by 5 strands of razor wire. FedEx Ground only had 6 foot of chainlink and only three strands of barbed wire, but still I couldn't help the flash back. Fortunately a driver arrived when I did, and he used his id card and passcode to get us in and he tracked down an employee for me, as apparently the huge building only held one. The turnstile you use to get in and out looked like either a medevil torture device or some futuristic transport terminal. Heavy steel with the key pad and card reader locking it, you feel like you are caught in a giant gear about to be crushed. It was kind of cool. You could probably like hold off an army of zombies from inside it, provided there was enough food in the break room vending machines to sustain you.

Famous??!!!!????

Fame is a weird thing. I mean of course, that I don't understand it. I understand of course, someone being famous for accomplishing something, being talented or successful at something, or having a special ability. I can even understand being famous for being unusual or special for some reason. I can understand being famous for having 12 toes, 2 noses, hitting more homeruns or making more touchdowns during a professional ballgame or season. I can understand being famous for playing classical piano symphanies flawlessly with your toes, or singing beautifully. I can understand being famous for being an accomplished actor, director, businessman, musician, athlete, serial killer, ect. What I don't understand is becoming famous for being famous or being famous for being the 21st century version of a circus geek.

Let's look at some recent celebrities. Paris Hilton is the person usually trotted out when this topic comes up. I think it's time to give her a break though. Paris is a HILTON. She comes from an extremely wealthy family, so someone there deserves the distinction of being successful at business. That person could be long dead, but at least someone hasn't blown the whole family business, so some brain cells must still be in the gene pool. Paris isn't only famous for being rich and spoiled, although admittedly that's part of it. Paris has a sister named Nikki, (I think, can't be bothered to look it up, I might lose my rant which is very painful.) This sister somehow is less famous than Paris despite being somewhat healthier and less angular-looking. Both are rich, blond, thin, yet one is much more well-known. Why? Probably the sleeze factor. Paris has built up a reputation based on alcohol, drugs and digitally recorded sex. She says stupid things and seems to be a total space cadet. She is often photographed wearing very little, proving she apparently doesn't actually consume food. She is the poster child for bimbos and sluts everywhere. She had a best friend named Nicole Richie who helped her get a tv show. Nicole was famous for a)hanging out with Paris, and b)being the daughter or Lionel Richie former member of the Commadores and successful 80's pop star. I am probably one of the few people who remember Mr. "Dancing on the Ceiling" so mostly she was famous for being Paris's BF30seconds. Nicole was shorter, less blond, at least 30% less slutty, and in my opinion a bit more attractive than Paris, so when the relationship crashed, she disappeared.

Apparently there wasn't enough Paris to go around, so we also have something called a Kardashian. Apparently this is another wealthy beyond belief family that is either well stocked with several similar daughters, or there is one daughter that can change her height and name at will. The version seen most often seems to be named Kim. Imagine a slightly less vocal, more volumptious, brunette Paris, with less pinched features and you have Kim. Kim even has her own sex video where apparently a rap star pees on her.

But those aren't the people I wonder about. I am wondering more about the women who calls herself Tia Tequilla. She somehow managed to use a myspace profile to get herself on television. Basically she is famous for being on the internet. I am on the internet, but nobody gives me money. Basically this person has parlayed a slutty image and a social network profile into a career doing virtually nothing. She has tried modeling, singing, acting. I have yet to see proof of actual talent. This reminds me of the kid in school who would do anything on a dare or for money. "Eat that worm? No problem." "Take off my top and kiss that other slutty looking chick? No problem."

Now I have no problem with attractive, or even semi-attractive, women appearing in various stages of nudity. As a matter of fact, I generally enjoy it, but they need to stay on porn sites, men's magazines, entertainment mags, porn dvds, ect. Stop clogging up news venues and making guest appearances on tv shows and doing bit parts in movies. Better get all the money you can quick, because partying, drinking, drugging and acting batshit crazy like you are, by the time you hit 30 you'll look a rode-hard-and-put-up-wet 60 and be acting full-blown psycho and no one will want that top to come off.

I Broke a Tradition This Year

Yes, I broke a long-running personal tradition this year. I accidentally did it, but it still counts. Now I have to start over. You see, I accidentally discovered who was playing in the superbowl the day before the bowl rather than my normal method of discovering it the day after when I also find out who won. As you can tell, the superbowl plays an important role in my life. Sorry, I know it is important to a lot of people, and they derive a lot of enjoyment out of anticipating, arguing and watching, but I don't get it. Professional organized team sports don't make any sense to me. At least with individual sports you have an element of personal skill and challenge, but even then I wonder. I mean basically we are making it possible to pay people more money per year than most of us will make in a lifetime, to play a kid's game. Professional football, basketball, and baseball players who are in high demand can easily be paid millions of dollars a year. Even the less in demand make hundreds of thousands, and that isn't including product endorsements, personal appearances, interviews, ect where they can easily earn 2 to 3 times as much as their salary.

I don't understand it. It's like actors and entertainers, we pay these people so we can watch them play a game or pretend to be something they aren't. We pay more to be entertained than we do for services that directly impact us. Someone tried to justify the high salaries of sports stars by telling me that they had such a short career. Career? They are playing a GAME. By definition a game is leisure, while a career is work. What is the difference between paying someone to play football and paying them to play hopstotch, red rover, old maid, chutes and ladders, or scrabble? Give me a $100,000 a year and I will happily play chutes and ladders or checkers for a couple of hours once a week. And I will retire in 10 to 12 years if you want me to.

Physical games were original done as a way to insure warriors stayed in good condition and helped them to practice some of the skills needed to fight during peace time while at the same time burning off some of the aggression warriors tend to naturally have. Later these games were encouraged at school because they resulted in kids getting excercise, learning things like teamwork, good sportmanship, how to win or lose gracefully, while burning up enough of their youthful energy that they might actually be dealt with in a classroom.

I know now that I am getting old. How do I know? I now suffer from that most heinous of ailments that strike the elderly, nostalgia. I currently have no television, cable isn't available in my area, and I decided that Dish network is the great Satan of our times. I can get direct tv or even digital cable through my telephone company, who is actually cheaper than the local cable or either satellite tv provider, but at the moment I don't want the extra bill. Besides, my 32 inch television in the living room was struck by lightning. I have a 20 inch in storage, and another big one in the bedroom, but restling that monster down solo seems like a bunch of work, so basically it is collecting dust now. I miss the background noise, but as far as tv shows go, almost everything is available via internet now, and you can watch pretty much when ever you want. Anyway, I recently discovered Hulu has a bunch of old shows I remember from way back when. I went through both seasons of Dead Like Me, last week. Then recently I found News Radio. They have a lot of the first 4 season episodes, but not all of them. They don't seem to have any of the last season though. I used to love that show. It holds up reasonable wel,l in my opinion, although it is over 10 years old. If you haven't seen the show, you might want to cruise over and check it out.

In general, it is a 30 minute character driven sitcom about a group of odd individuals who work together in an AM news radio station located in New York City. It was released in 1995 and had a 5 season run. The show starts with the hiring of a young, midwestern man as the news director. The first season deals with his learning how to deal with the oddballs he has to work with.

Dave Foley played the news director Dave Nelson. I don't remember seeing Foley in much after this. I think he was with the Kids in the Hall comedy troop. Looking on IMDB though, he has lots of credits. He generally played the straight, sane character, although he had a lot of good sarcastic lines. A lot of humor was made about his small stature and youthful experience as well as some of his geeky hobbies: ventriloquism, tap dance, knife throwing.

Stephen Root played Jimmy James the wealthy station owner. This show made me a fan of this man. He has extensive credits for both acting and voice acting. He has been on True Blood, West Wing, Pushing Daisies, done voice work for Ice Age, Tripping the Rift, King of the Hill and been in a ton of movies. His over-the-top, not exactly ethical, micro managing owner was great on the show.

Andy Dick played Matthew the clumsy, weird reporter. I am not a big fan of his, but mostly because of post-News Radio happenings. I thought he was decent in the show, but with the relatively large cast, you only got him in small doses.

Maura Tierney, ER and Rescue Me, played Lisa, Dave's love interest, reporter who became a producer, news director, than back to reporter. She played a high-strung, intelligent, driven woman, a strong although neurotic character and was a good foil for Dave.

Vicki Lewis played the weird, red-headed secretary Beth, who's main job seemed to be spending company money on herself and feeding Dave's massive coffee habit. She was mostly known for being a bit man crazy, adventurous, and wearing weird and generally inappropriate outfits. In season three she suddenly started baring her mid-drift almost every episode. Not that anyone should mind, as a) by todays standards she was dressed for church and b) you could play a Led Zepplin drum solo on those abs. Vicki was a great character and her interaction and attempts to get out of doing any actual work were awe inspiring.

Joe Rogan, Host of Fear Factor, played Joe Garelli, the station electricion/tough guy/street wise character. He invented most of his equipment, engineered most of his repairs, and occasionally exhibited knowledge that seemed highly out of place. He probably got the least screen time, but made the most of it. His character is quiet memorable.

Phil Hartman, Saturday Night Live, Troy McClure on the Simpsons, played Bill McNeal the self-centered, arrogant on-air personality. His character was annoying, brash, egotistical, arrogant, every horrible personality trait you could think of, he displayed, yet Hartman did it with such charm you never loathed Bill. His clashes with the other characters were awesome. Hartman's murder probably killed the show, as the ratings really dropped after his character died on the show. The show where Dave allows Bill to air imaginary interviews with President Clinton, is a classic.

Khandi Alexander, CSI Miami, was the other on-air personality for the first 4 seasons. She left the station for another job. Why she actually left the show is not known. There is some speculation that another character slated to be a regular on the show may have caused a conflict, but that character departed before Khandi's Catherine Duke, left. Catherine was a strong character, confidents, intelligent, beautiful and more than enough to deal with Bill and Joe her usual foils.

These were the regular characters.

Jon Lovitz, Saturday Night Live, The Critic, was a good friend of Phil Hartman, and he did a couple of guest appearances on News Radio before coming on in the last season as Max, a replacement for Bill.

Lauren Graham, Gilmore Girls, played Andrea and efficiency expert hired by Jimmy James, who turns the station on its head by firing Matthew, demoting Dave and making Lisa news director. Rumor is she was supposed to remain on the show, but she was actually only on 4 episodes before disappearing. I don't remember it ever explaining why.

There were numerous guest stars, Scott Adams appeared once as did Jerry Seinfield. Friends of Dave Foley and Phil Hartman made appearances. Rock video vixen and model Bobbi Brown (Cherry Pie) appeared twice as Matthews girl friend.

This was a great show and when it stopped airing in 1999 I was sad. I was really happy to become reacquainted with it on Hulu.

Dead Like Me also aged well. Can't wait to see what else I find on there.

Idiots with telephones

I didn't sleep worth a crap this weekend. Here I am at work groggy as hell and wishing I were somewhere else, but it is the last week of the month, and all must be done or the world ends. Still, I feel like crap so I am putting off the enevitable until the last possible moment. Procrastination is a art of the highest caliber. Anyway the weekend started well enough. I didn't have any flex to claim so I worked the whole day Friday. Then I went home, fixed a simple meal, watched some boob tube. I tend to watch very little through the week and save up for the weekend. Played a couple of online games and went to bed. I was sleeping well, ringed by my vicious attack felines who protect me against burglars, boogeymen, and mice while I sleep. They are like fuzzy hotwater bottles that never cool off, so we were nice and comfy. Then it happened. The phone rang. The phone rang at 4:00 freaking AM. Now, my father had a stroke some years back, my mother isn't in good health, and my wife, who isn't currently living with me, has been in the emergency room twice in the last week or so. My number, due to my profession and the fact that I am a card-carrying, neo-revisionistic hermit. Anywho, noone calls me at 4:00 AM for anything good. So boom, I shot straight up, removed the cpap mask and fought my groggy self over to the phone in a major panic. It's about 3000 yards away on the other side of the room and I am doing my best to avoid squishing cats or tripping over dogs, or breaking toes on furniture. I pick up the offensive noisy device and and mumble hello.

"Who is this?" demands the voice on the other end of the line.

My only defense is that I was half asleep and in a panic. Calling someone, then demanding to know who they are rather than either asking for someone or stating who you are is inexcusably rude. I don't actually like telephones, so I tend to maintain high standards for there use as an good excuse to spend as little time on them as possible. Unfortunately for me the rest of the world adores the damned devices, so it isn't working.

I answered but in my sleep fogged voice the man on the other end of the phone thought I said Jerry. I know because he barked back "Jerry?"

At this point, anger started kicking in because I realized it was more than likely a wrong number. So I snarled back "Who is THIS?" and there was some heat to my voice as the inner probation office shields started falling into place.

Instead of answering his voice got a bit sullen and he asked, "Is this 702-x0xx?" The number is burned into my brain, but I haven't yet looked it up to see who he was calling. His number, a cell by the way, is on my caller id. The number I am not putting here because I don't know who he was trying to call, nor why. Nor do I know who my caller is, or what his situation was. In our 7 sentence conversation, he did not sound intoxicated, so perhaps a ride failed to show or something, but the reason I mentioned this because of the digits he called out only 2 match the number he actually dialed. How the hell do you get only 2 out of 7 numbers right on a cell phone which should have a lighted keypad and a lighted display showing the number you punch in?

My reply to the gentleman when he inquired as to the telephone number he had just called was, "Good God man, you aren't even close."

Saturday was a beautiful day, although I had a headache, but it stormed Saturday night, high wind, thunder, lightning, rain. So I didn't sleep well, then it rained all day Sunday. My yard squishes when you walk on it and the barn is flooded. Sunday night I slept a bit better, but I remember hearing something at some point hitting the house, I thought it was sleet. Then I got cold and had to get up for another blanket.

PS, if you call someone at an ungodly hour, a) have an excellent reason, b) double check the number you dial, c) introduce yourself and don't be rude.

Spare Parts

A few years back my wife woke me up because a volcano went off in her stomach. Bent like a pretzel I had to get dressed and roll her out to the car and rush off to the emergency room. Once there I was able to give them my insurance card and fill out enough paperwork to enlist in the French Foreign Legion (and I may have I am not really sure, someone keeps calling the house gibbering in some non-English language and I get some odd emails now and again) we were allowed to wait two hours and then taken to a bed where we spent another 3 hours. They did enough tests so that my insurance company built a wing on to the hospital, said "Damned if we know, better see your doctor", pumped her full of morphine and sent her home happy. Two weeks later we were back. A bit later, the first attack was at 2 AM, the second was more courteous and let me sleep until 4 AM. Upon finally seeing someone, the first thing they said was, "what did your doctor say it was?" "Don't know," I answered, "her appointment is a week from tomorrow, earliest they could get her in." Well, they did enough for my insurance company to build an office building to rent to the local doctors, pumped her full of painkillers again and we went home. We did learn that a) a gasteric cocktail is nowhere near as tasty as a normal cocktail

and had even less effect on what her issue was and b) morphine makes you feel really, really, good and makes the volcano go away. The doctor she went to had no idea what was wrong, prescibed medicine anyway, ran no tests. Not the best $20 copay I ever spent.

Now, to hear my wife describe it, the pain is in the middle of her stomach, incredibly intense, at least an 8 out of 10. The reason it isn't higher is that it isn't constant, it seems to come in waves. varying in their intensity. My wife doesn't have any full blown attacks for awhile, she has a couple of milder ones, that the medicine seems to help and if she can ever get to sleep, she wakes with an upset stomach that goes away in about a day. Then in 2008, BOOM, another intense attack, around 11pm. I heard the hospital in the neighboring city was remodeling, doing some major renovations and building a new outpatient surgery center, so I took my insurance card and wife there.

We actually got to a bed much faster here, but the overall weight was just as long. We seem to average 3 and a half hours per emergency room visit. We could spend a night in a decent motel for the copay. Anyway, my wife starts asking for morphine immediately. I try to hush her up. Not that I don't sympathize, but given my profession, I am very aware that there are a large number of people who show up at emergency rooms just hoping to score pain meds and I want them to take her seriously not label her a painkiller junkie. Usually backpain is the ailment of choice, but given that people around here run to the emergency room for toothache and sneezing twice, usually cause they have no insurance, or ran out of alcohol and started worrying about that cold, anything is possible, so I tried to get her to concentrate on what was wrong with her. At some point I think I heard mentioned the 2 words I would later learn might be her issue, but at that point I was convinced it was all in her head, some sort of anxiety attack. I would later regret that and feel bad, although there was a bit of truth to it. Anyway, while the doctor took more time, and more test the results were the same and we went home.

A year later, 6 days ago I spent another 4 hours in the ER. This time the doctor seemed a bit more focused. Specifically on an organ called the gall bladder. These were the words I heard the last time I was here, but with no follow through. This time in addition to the phenegrin and morphine, he referred her to an ultrasound. Unfortunately due to a communictation breakdown, my wife didn't know to not drink before hand, so it took her 2 days to get it, and sure enough there were stones in there. That was two days later and I spent another 3 hours in the emergency room getting lectured on the gall bladder, it's purpose and duties, and what goes wrong. Apparently stuff just happens, it grows rocks, then anything (food, stress, Ben Stiller movies) set it off and it has contractions, squeezing the stones and waves of exquisite pain ensue.

You know how when you take that complicated gadget that you have no idea how works apart to fix it, and once you put it back together and you have those 3 springs, 4 screws and 7 plastic and/or metal pieces left over which obviously serve no purpose, because it works fine without them until it breaks down again for a completely different and unrelated reason and you have to replace it but buy a different brand or model because obviously that one was junk?

Well the human body is like that, we come with bits that don't really do anything usefull except give doctors a way to make lots of money. If you think about it, what do gall bladders, tonsils, and appendixes do anyway? Basically they just develop infections or stones, then you either buy lots of medicine or have them removed. Apparently they aren't needed, so why are they included. There are enough necessary items in there to go wrong, do we really need the accessories?

Anyway, we found out many things. Apparently if you are having gall bladder problems you have to watch what you eat. According to 2 doctors and a nurse, raw green vegetables, spicy food, greasy food, fatty food, and nuts are all bad and will set off an attack. The surgeon says the gall bladder wouldn't know the difference between a head of lettuce and five-alarm chili with extra peppers, what matters is the amount. He says the stomach has to stretch to trigger the hormone that starts the old gall bladder going, so as long as you eat small amount spaced out, you can eat anything. Who's right? They both agree soda is bad because the carbonation swells the tummy.

So what have we learned?

Gall bladder = extra part

Gall stones = bad

Morphine = good

Gall bladder + gall stones = new wing on hospital paid for by my insurance company less co-pay.

Eggs and Country Breakfasts

I am trying to lose weight, again. I am also trying to cut massive amounts of salt out of my diet. I don't salt anything I eat, not even when cooking it, so you would think "how much salt can he be eating?" Lots of it apparently. If you eat anything that comes prepackaged, it pretty much contains gobs and gobs of salt. Canned vegetables, canned meats, boxed items, all are supposed to have long shelf lives so lots of salt. Even the stuff that says low sodium has some salt. Even frozen vegetables have salt added. They have a lot less salt, but they have some. Now I knew sodas had salt in them, even the diet ones. Diet coke seems to have the least while the rest seem to run pretty even. But fruit juice has it. Now I am not sure about the kind you have to buy in milk section. Maybe the stuff that has to be kept cold like orange juice doesn't but the apple, cranberry, grape, ect stuff you can buy straight off the shelf has as much or more salt than soda. The frozen concentrate seems to have none though, so I guess that is what I have to turn to.

Anyway, my new doctor isn't much for low-carb dieting. Basically she is wanting to send me to a dietician. I am resisting so far because I really don't want to get into calorie counting and the like, I know me and too much restriction is not going to work. I have been trying to slowly alter my eating patterns. Trying to eat more whole grain stuff, lots more fruits and veggies, less red meat and meat in general. I also am trying to pull a bit of the low carb in by avoiding starches. I do occasionally indulge in a baked potato, or pasta. My rice is brown, whole grain. My bread is whole wheat. I try to eat frozen or fresh veggies and try to snack only on a bit of fruit. The hardest part to deal with is portion control. Eat less of what you eat. I have had some success, but the weight loss is yet to be seen. Of course I have to implement the second and third part of the plan. Part 2 started last week. I went into a regular eating plan. I have a planned breakfast, with variations on weekends and a planned lunch. Dinner is a bit more wing it. Basically my breakfast consists of a whole wheat bagel and a piece of fruit. I am not a big breakfast eater. I have trouble eating when I first wake, but tend to get really hungry when I have been awake 2 or 3 hours. My doctor says eating breakfast is better as it gets your metabolism going faster and you will burn up more calories. The bagel is portable so I bring it to work and eat it when I first get here followed by an orange or apple. I bring a second fruit in case I want a snack. My office is right across the hall from the break room with it's table of high sugar, high carb snack offerings. On the weekends I will indulge myself a little with boiled eggs or omlets and whole wheat toast. But I tend to either skip lunch or eat a much lighter one. Lunch through the week is either a salad or a can of tuna or chicken with one or two pieces of whole wheat bread. No condiments because they make the bread really soggy if I prepare them before hand and they tend to be high in sodium and carbs. Supper tends to be a serving of meat, heavy on chicken, and some type of vegetables, frozen and either warmed on the stove top or microwaved with a bit of water. Recently it's been really cold so this mix is good for small batches of soup, just cut up the meat and boil then toss in a mix of frozen veggies and let it simmer. Fresh garlic and onions add a little flavor and there is always pepper.

But this got me to thinking about breakfast when I was young. My father was raised on a farm and our early breakfasts were what he was used to. Usually 2 fried eggs, although occasionally scrambled, either 3 or 4 small slices of bacon or 2 sausage patties or a small piece of ham, either buttered toast or 2 biscuits. On Sundays there was always white gravy on the biscuits, it was rarely served through the week, only if Mom had extra time. Mostly the meat was cooked first and the drippings used to cook the eggs, later Mom would start cooking the eggs in margarine to lower the fat. Dad liked his eggs runny so he would soak up the yoke with the bread or biscuits. The white gravy, also called sawmill gravy is a southern tradition. Basically you take the hot grease from the meat, add sifted flour, stir like crazy until it is well mixed then add a little bit or milk stirring until smooth, salt and pepper to taste. You can use water instead of milk, I've been told. Some people wonder how anyone could survive on this diet, but you have to remember that the people who devised this diet, 1. had to survive on what they raised or could afford. Flour is cheap, pigs are cheaper to raise and easier to slaughter than cattle. Chickens are cheap on the whole to raise. So eggs and pork products were ready-to-hand. 2. These people would then go out and do intense physical labor for 10 or 12 hours straight, either sweating in the heat or shivering in the cold. Even the women did not only household chores but also worked in gardens, tended the chickens and gathered eggs. They sweated out the salt, burned up the fat and carbs and survived the cholesteral.

By the way, my father hates brown eggs. Around here they are often called country eggs and believe it or not some people will pay extra for brown eggs. My father grew up on them and thinks they taste too strong. He prefers white eggs. Let me let you in on a big secret.

What determines the color of the egg is the breed of the chicken. Some chicken breed lay white eggs, some brown. Some, like the morans, lay really dark brown eggs. Others like the silky lay eggs that are faintly blue in color. And they all taste the same. What determines the taste of eggs is the diet of the chickens and maybe how active they are. If you let chickens free range and they eat pretty much what ever they find, as my grandmother did, there eggs might have a stronger, gamy flavor. If the hens are fed mostly grain and chicken food, the eggs will taste the same as if you bought them in the grocery store.

Of Mice and Men

I was getting ready to go to sleep Friday night. My bedroom has it's own bathroom, and when moving from bath to bed I saw, lounging cooly upon my place of rest, a mouse. With a house full of furry, fiery felines, you would think no rodent would be so bold but there he was. I must be feeding them too well or something. Seeing the mouse napping boldly on my bed, I called for the cats. I know they heard me, because no one came. They are cats. Thinking swiftly I called for the dog. Lady Bug came into the bed room. She is a cat, but she is species confused and comes when you call for the dogs. At the site of 10 pounds of sheer mouse death the mouse darted. Bug saw the movement and launched herself from the doorway onto the middle of the bed, landing like a cannon ball. I didn't know she could jump so far, unless my stomach was the target, as this is a favored way of letting me know it is time to wake up and feed. She missed by less than a millimeter. I know because I measured the distance between the permanent cat paw indentions on the mattress and the skid marks left by the much smaller mouse paws on the blanket, but all I had was a metric tape measure.

The mouse had made it under a pillow. I was thinking hard now. The sound of the cat hitting the bed had been loud enough to attrack the other cats. Nella was coving the bathroom door incase it made a break for it. One of the favored tactics of my cats is to catch a mouse and drop it in the bathtub. The tub is deep enough the mouse can't climb out, and the cats ring the top of the tub and take turns jumping in and chasing the mouse around the tub. Mice in really good shape have been know to survive 2 or 3 hours of this. I'm not sure whether they are killing the mice or acting as personal trainers. Sometimes I will have pity on the creature and snag it and pitch it out the door. I keep hoping they will spread horror tales among mice about the horrors of the house, but so far it doesn't seem to be working. Bug has one side of the bed covered and is in stalk mode. Nana has the other side covered and is almost as stalky as Bug. Ninja, the old semi-retired Tom cat is watching from the floor kind of bored. He has pretty much turned all the duties of top cat of the house over, leaving him more time for his favorite activities of sleeping, eating, barfing and smacking younger cats heads. Noodle is sitting in the doorway to the front room. I would like to think she is blocking possible escape routes, but the way she is staring at the ceiling makes me think she is expecting the mouse to fly. I watched lots of television as a child and I remember that rodents are really clever and have a lot of tricks. The cats will probably need lots of help, so I decide to get them some gear. Ten minutes of so later I have a nice pile of equipment ready for them. I piled firearms, skillets, baseball bats, anvils, ect on the bed and stood back. Nana gave me an odd look. That's when I remembered that we didn't have animal planet when I was a kid, those were Tom and Jerry cartoons I was watching. I put the stuff up and moved the pillow instead. The mouse wasn't very big, but he was really, really fast. I got a good look at him though, he was grey and had 4 legs, 2 ears, 2 eyes, black and a tail. I am sure I will recognise him if we ever find him. Damn was he quick for having such short legs. I slept on the couch with Ninja, the other cats were busy searching the bed room. I saw noone being trained in the bathtub, which was good, the little bugger was already too damn fast. I also saw no carcass, so I am sure the pesky dude is still on the run. Since then I have felt a little nervous sleeping, as I am sure the little bugger bears me ill will for ratting out the one hiding place, but I am not too worried, I just bring 2 loaded cats to bed with me every night. So far so good.

What's Wrong With This Statement

Chemists have developed a new, natural supplement that is getting guys across the county ripped like never before.

Okay there was a picture of a man with a well-toned body underneath that statement, so I am assuming "ripped" refers to a well-defined muscles as opposed to intoxicated. I also am not talking about the fact the ad seems to promise that by taking some sort of substance you can forgo excercise and a correct diet and still look like a professional body builder. I think the fact this is a "natural supplement" yet it was developed by "chemists" is the part that strikes me as odd.

Fourth Annual Christmas Illness

Four the fourth year in a row I have managed to be sick on Christmas. The first two years it was a stomach virus. Last year it was bronchitus. This year it is a sinus infection although it seems to be trying to work it's evilness on my chest also, because I have a cough and it isn't a dry one. I was feeling off on Christmas, but not really bad, until after lunch. I ate lunch with my parents and being Christmas ate heavier than normal. After that I started feeling worse. I put it down to overindulgence, went home and napped for a couple of hours. I woke up feeling like 30 tiny little men were using sledgehammers on the inside of my skull, not just the head, but the face too. I took way too many ibuprophen, and tried to watch television, actually computer monitor as my television got turned into the world's largest paperweight by lightning last August. I also found I had a slight cough. I went to bed later than normal, probably because of the nap, and woke the next morning with the same headache and cough. By lunch though I was having problems breathing. I treated the cough with a year old bag of vitamin c drops and some throat louzenges that were a bit fresher and alternated asparin and ibuprophen for the head. I ate hot food and drank hot tea and was even lazier than normal, if that's possible. I actually used a thermometer and found I was running a fever or about 2 degrees. I took generic night time cold medicine in liquid form before I went to bed. Sunday, I was even worse. Breathing through my nose was a memory only. The cough was about the same. The headache was better, but I was a bit dizzy if I stood too quickly. I made frequent trips to the bathroom, mostly to spit and blow, though. The fever though was about half what it was Saturday. I repeated the treatment, complete with homemade beef stew. This morning I was feeling much better, still a little stopped up, annoying cough still here, but head seems close to my version of normal, although I am a bit sleepy. I skipped breakfast due to being slow getting started this morning but ate a sandwich for lunch, afterwhich I felt a bit worse. I thought that was odd.

Anyway with the second night of cold medication in my strange thoughts filtered in as I went to sleep last night. For instance, is it odd that a dose of liquid cold medication is the same size roughly as a shot of whiskey? Also, I had a friend who claimed to make his own Nyquil. He said take 2 Tylenol, 2 psuedophed, and a shot of Rumplemintz. I guess any brand peppermint snapps would do though. He said if he was short on Rumplemintz he would take a shot of vodka and an altoid. I don't have peppermint snappz or altoids, wonder if cinnamon snapps or Yagermeister would do?

Also I remember my mother's private cold remedy. I remember this from way back. Put an ounce or so of brown whiskey, usually Tennessee whiskey although burbon or Kentucky whiskey would work personally I am more a rum and vodka man, in a sauce pan and heat it, when it starts smelling, add a tablespoon of honey stirring until it mealts followed by a chunk of peppermint. This was back in the day when you could by peppermint candy canes by the pound and it took a hammer to break them apart. Melt the peppermint, pour into a cup and add a teaspoon of lemon juice. Carry to you bed, drink as fast as possible and collapse. You would usually break into a sweat, sleep like a log and feel better in the morning. Modern version of this involves a microwave rather than a stove and saucepan. For children substitute half the whiskey with water. I have tried this using blended scotch, but the results were not as remembered. Perhaps the Tennessee and Kentucky whiskeys have curative properties not found in blended scotch. Haven't tried it with tequila although there is some cheap crap in the house, so perhaps next illness if I can find the peppermint before then.

Sexual Intellectuals

I had a friend in high school and college who like to refer to those individuals with the intellectual capacity of a half-melted ice cube and the tendency to do things without consulting anyone with more brainpower than the average rock as sexual intellectuals. That was just his way of saying fucking idiots. I feel that I have either been in the presence of, or basked in the glow of, several sexual intellectuals lately and in an attempt to purge my soul, I shall blog about em.

First let's discuss work. I have a client who is a parolee from another state. She transfered here to live with a family member. She came into the office last month and was griping because she says Tennessee, and in particular our poor rural area of said state, doesn't have programs to help parolees get jobs. She said the state she came from had training programs and interview training and even gave you a full set of clothes. Apparently she wandered around begging and Goodwill gave her a skirt and jacket and a church bought her a pair of shoes, but no one gave her underware. Three things came to my mind, but through a superhuman effort of will I supressed them. I probably shouldn't as I think the effort elevated my bloodpressure. First thing I thought was "What the hell kind of job are you applying for where they see your underwear?" Second thing I thought was "If the state you came from is so damn nice to parolees, why didn't you stay?" Third thing I thought, was a 2 parter. First I thought "Why should the state give you anything, the state didn't tell you to get your butt locked up." Then I thought, "but if Tennessee did have a program, it would be for our home-grown thugs, not our imported ones."

Now I do think the state could improve how we deal with recently released parolees. I think all of them serving more than 3 years, and the ones serving 3 years who aren't releasing to live with direct family, should have to release into a state run halfway house. Currently the state doesn't run any half-way houses. While we do have some standards to be state approved, they are too lax. There are no mandatory rules for drug testing, program requirements, curfews, ect. Most of the ones I have dealt with require a month's rent up front, have no programs to help them find jobs or get to interviews, and tend to kick them out when the second month's rent is late. We even had one that was letting them drug test each other. There are actually only 2 in this area that seem geared toward helping the offenders succeed and stay out of jail, the rest seem to want that first month's rent and forget anything else. I think if they state set up regional half-way houses, staffed them with a PO 24/7 and a social worker for 2 shift, and included a first-shift job counceller, a and d treatment, anger management classes, and required everyone paroling out to spend at least a year in the program before being evaluated it would really reduce reoffending. It would give them a chance to get on there feet, readjust to the world, find jobs, reestablish connections with family while giving them a grounded, guaranteed place to live, and transportation to and training for interviews, keep them drug free. It would cost money, but the state might be able to cut back a little on PO's in current offices by moving some in to these houses. Our current offices are over run and over worked as it is.

Anyway, the thing that brought the above genius to mind was that she came to see me yesterday and set me off again. Again I eleveated my blood pressure by restraining myself. You see she found a job at a local factory. The first thing she did was move out, as she and her sister were arguing. I told her she needed to hold off and save a little money first, but she didn't listen, so of course she ran into money problems and started looking for handouts, a local program told her they would TRY to help her with her rent, but when she went back they told her they didn't have any funds. The economic crunch of the last couple of years has pretty much wiped out most of the local charities. So this woman tells me the program sucked and almost caused her to lose her apartment. It's freaking charity lady!!!!!!!! You aren't ENTITLED to IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You shouldn't DEPEND on it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You had a FREE place to stay as long as you helped keep it clean, YOU left despite being told to be patient and save up enough money so if you lost your job you could survive a couple of months. Then she told me we have some funny looking people going and coming in our office. I started to say, "YEAH and you are one of them." I didn't. Considerring she was in prison for shooting a man, probably a wise move.

I live in a different county than I work. The county seat of the county I live in is a small town where the rate for solving murders is not inspirational, unless you are a murderer anyway. A local business man from a well respected family was found shot in his house about a year ago. It looked like he opened his door for someone and was shot by whoever was at the door. It was in the middle of a prominent subdivision. If the case is going anywhere, the police aren't saying anything. A local oriented forum has a lot of posts dealing with this. The forum seems more a home for flame wars than offering any real information. I check the forums occasionally if I am really bored, but it's more for entertainment than anything. A certain person or group of people on there seem to have decided that the man's wife had him killed because apparently she is sleeping with every married man in the county and even a few unmarried ones. Perhaps sleeping isn't the right word, as according to them her crotch has its own frequent visiter program. If she does even half what they claim, I don't see how she can walk, or have time to be seen in all the places she is, as she would need to have her food delivered to her bed room and never sleep to service all her man toys. And some how I missed out again, as I haven't sampled her wares.

I actually knew her at one time. She is 2 or 3 years younger than I and I was aquainted with her slighly in high school. We were in science club together I believe. She was nice enough, and cute, but a little pudgy, although mostly pudgy in the interesting places. When she started college, I ran into her again, and remember she wasn't pudgy anymore, just curvy and attractive, but she was in a relationship. I saw her occasionally on campus, then not again for several years. I ran into her about 12 years or so ago, we talked a little and I haven't seen her since. I might have seen her and not recognized her for all I know. I don't spend much time in the town, just to pay utility bills once monthly. Anyway, that's a long way to say that one of the men she is rumored to be banging is a police officer. Apparently he was told to stay away from the case, so as to head off any issues, should anyone be arrested and tried for the murder. Well the officer involved served subpeona's on the local newspaper and the forums requesting ip addresses for some of the posters on both sites. He was fired for misconduct. This is where it gets confusing, and perhaps my lack of a law degree causes some of this confusion on my part.

Officially he was fired because he was told to have nothing to do with the case, but he then requested the information to track down these posters. He was fired, but he appealed this and the Police Department upheld the decision, so he appealed to the city commission and got legal representation, asking for his job back and some monetary compensation. He was shot out of the water, so now he is suing in chancery court for his job back claiming he was inproperly terminated without due process. The lawyer claimed in the last appeal, that termination was too harsh a punishment for his behavior.

There is so much I don't get here. The man disobeyed a direct order, he possibly damaged a murder investigation, possibly endangered a future court case, publicly embarrased both himself and the department, and may have done some things that are illegal. So firing is to harsh, to me I think he might have been prosecutable for misconduct and illegal use of authority.

You see he issued improper subpeonas. A subpeona is a document commanding some to be in court for a hearing. It is issued by the court clerk's office with the authority of the judge. It has to contain a date to appear or to produce the evidence requested in court and a court docket number. Since no one is arrested, there is neither a docket number nor a court date, so these subpeonas could not have either. The court clerk's office claimed the subpeonas were not improper at the last hearing, and that he filed copies with them, although I really think that was more to cover someone's rear than anything. First, I would think in an investigation, a search warrant would be issued to retrieve the information first. If a judge wouldn't grant a warrant then a subpeona might be issued and the argument made in court, but subpeonaing unknown evidence into a court case seems risky. Also, I would think it would be the DA's office issuing subpeonas, not a police officer, although I issue subpeonas in violation cases, so perhaps the local DA's office has the officers subpeona the witnesses. Anyway it seems fishy.

But here is the thing. This officer diobeyed an order from his superior. He endangered an ongoing investigation and potential capital crime trial He got caught and it was aired in public. He was fired. He has appealed and had 2 hearings both of which he lost. Now he is sueing and asking for his job back and reparations including backpay, benefits and lawyer fees. The claim is that he had no legal representation, no one was sworn, and there was no official record. There is also a claim that the two appeals were capricious and arbitrary and violate due process. First, are you supposed to have an opportunity to have a lawyer present when you get fired? I didn't know that. Second, why in the hell would he want to work there now. He was caught doing something naughty he was told not to. If they are forced to give him his job back, they are going to hate his guts and not trust him at all. They may not be able to fire him for a period of time, but you can bet everthing he does will be watched like a hawk. The will record ever single thing he does, every mistake, ever misstep and when they fill safe, they will fire him so hard and so far. You can also bet he will get the crap jobs and crap shift noone wants. If I was so convinced I was right, I would ask for the backpay, severance pay, a formal public apology and a written note of explaination and recommendation, then I would be gone fast. I sure wouldn't want to go back to work there.

Craziness, It Just Keeps Coming

Alright, in an attempt to save money, our department is instituting a new tool. It is basically a tool that is supposed to measure the likelihood of our offenders reoffending and to uncover hidden needs they might have. The theory being that once we know these needs we can direct them to resources for them to meet the needs, thereby reducing the chances that they will reoffend. I have nothing against this in theory, it sounds good. The problems I have with it are as follows.

1. It takes about an hour of intensive interviewing to administer the tool, plus time to enter it into the computer and get the results, then a follow up interview with the offender to explain the results. I currently have 110 people on my caseload, all but 2 of them under active supervision. I have to see about 75% of them once a month and another 10% twice monthly. The remainder report in quarterly. I don't know how I will make the time to do this, especially when you consider I also have to do field work, court appearances, write warrants, write reports, investigate new transfers, ect. and currently we aren't allowed ANY overtime.

2. The training takes 4 full days. Half our office did it last month, the rest do it this month. You have to complete training, pass a test, pass an interview, and complete a computer test to get ceriftified to use the tool. Then you have to do some other things afterward to gain access to the actual internet site to enter the data. The people who completed the training last month are just now beginning to get their certificates. So it took almost 30 days to get certified. They implemented the new standards this month. We are supposed to be using the tool now. Half of us haven't even had the training and the ones that have are only now being certified, yet it is in effect now?

3. We are a rural area, we have almost no resources to refer clients too, so I am worried that by identifying these needs, we may be setting up the agency to be responsible legally for meeting them. How long before someone ends up in court on a violation and blames these unmet needs on his violating? Sooner or later someone will mention this to their lawyer and it will become an excuse.

Gripe, Moan, Gripe, Moan

It's the end of the month and I have stuff I need to do. I want to take off early today because next month is guarantendamntied to be extra nightmarishly stressful. Why? Well, glad you asked. You see we get 3, count 'em, 3 days off for the holidays. The problem? Well that would be that we have to shovel the work for those 3 days into the remaining days. Still that isn't that big of a deal as it happens every year. The problem is the 4 mandatory training days that are also on there. Why they set up 4 full training days in a row on a month where we are already 3 full days short I will never know, but there you go. I am losing 7 full working days. Now I guess I could come in and work on those holidays, but I won't be compensated for it. Although if I have to, I might come in and work on some warrants or paperwork. But I would really rather not do that. Well, lets get to work. Put it off long enough.

Vacuums and Emails

I love my sister. Love her dearly and we used to talk a lot, but then for a while we didn't. Early on we spoke both on the phone and via email. Recently we started back with the email. I forgot one thing about her though and that is that she is a chain forwarder. I mean that she forwards chain emails like crazy. I get the inspirational emails, the bring religion back into the school emails, the forward this email to 10 different people and microsoft, appleby's, apple, red lobster, aol, gm, ibm, ect will send you free cash, $50 gift certificate, ipod, 1 month free service, labtop computer, 40 foot yacht, private jet, hooter's girl, ect. Okay, I couple of things you should know about me I guess. First, I check all those strange email rumors. Most have been around several thousand times before and a false. Second, I know tracking email is very difficult. You can only really do it through IP address and getting each individual address can require a court order. The chances are that no company is going to go through the expense and hassel of doing that just to give millions of people something free just to advertise some new service. The thing I don't get is who the hell starts these things and do they really think it's that funny of a joke?

There is no piece of code that can be inserted into an email to determine how many different people you forward an email to so that you can see the Taco Bell Dog do the macarana across your screen. If there was your anti virus and anti spyware software would throw a major temper tantrum.

Well, you don't want to know my views on religion, or on politics, but hopefully you do want to know my views on the timely and important subject of home carpet cleaning, aka vacuums. I currently own 2. The older and by far more expensive is a Kirby G6. I have had it about 7 years. It is a very good vacuum. It is also a very expensive vacuum. It is the Transformer of the vacuum world. It is a vacuum, blower, shampooer, handheld vacuum for car or stairs, lawn mower, motorcycle, nail gun and jack hammer. If you can figure how to rearrange the parts and have a plug in within reach it can do it. Now mind you the major manufacturing component in making the kirby was steel, so it isn't light, the handheld configuration can double as dumbells for your workout. There are really only a few downsides other than the intial expense to the kirby. First, by being so versital it kind of makes it complicated and a bit of a pain to clean. Two the impeller design seems a bit too open and easy to jam or break for what is otherwise a near indestrutable machine, although I have yet to damage the thing. Three, all components for the vacuum that need to be replaced are expensive. The darn bags are about $6 apiece. Fortunately they are rather large, but still.....

On the other end of the scale we have the Wind Tunnel. I am not an idiot, the wind tunnel is an economy vacuum while the Kirby is high end. I know I can't fairly compare a vacuum I bought for $75 with one that cost $1700.

The Wind Tunnel is bagless, that is it uses a filter and canister to hold what it picks up rather than a bag. since filters can be cleaned and last longer than a bag, these have become rather popular. Now both vacuums are self propelled, which is important with the super heavy Kirby, but not so much with the WT, whose construction is pretty much plastic. The thing is, the Kirby lets you turn the self propel option off, while the light weight vacuum doesn't. Both have power brushes.

Now I don't expect the little vac to perform like the Kirby. The Kirby due to complication and weight is a bit of a pain to get into action. This vacuum is light and no bag, so I was planning on it doing the regular work and the Kirby coming out for deep cleaning and shampooing. Unfortunately, the Windtunnel uses 2 belts and one is a pain. After around 2 to three vacuums, the belt starts coming off frequently. If you take 4 long screws out of the bottom, you find the two belts. One is long and skinny and looks fragile. Not had any issues with it. The thick, short rubber one is the brat. It loops over a metal shaft then around a rubber tire. You have to hook it over the metal shaft then stretch and roll it onto the tire. The shaft is long, you have to turn the belt sideways and wiggle it on. You don't have much room to work. Then you have to stretch and hold the belt with your thumb while rotating the tire with any remaining fingers you can get into the tiny spot. The you put the plate back on, vacuum 2 to 5 minutes and repeat. You have to put the screws back in, otherwise the cover falls off. Other than this it's a decent, cheap vacuum. I am contemplating putting a cover on the metal shaft. It gets really hot and that seems to be where the belt slips off rather than from the tire. Perhaps if I can work a piece of aquarium air tubing over the shaft, the belt won't slip as often. If I can't get the tubing, maybe some duct or electrical tape. As it is the vacuum is useless. I bought the vacuum new but at an auction, so I can't return it.

More Thoughts on a New TV Season

Well, Saturday it decided to put about 6 million inches of rain down, so I went to sidereel and caught a few season premieres and normal episodes of a few shows. I watched the season opener for Medium, I always liked this show, it centered more around the very real seeming family relationships and what Alison's abilities and job did to there family life. The season opener from last season's cliff hanger was okay, not really anything special, but then they had to resolve the cliff hanger. I did like the ending, though.

I caught another episode of Monk. That show has gotten a bit old, but this is the last season. I liked wings, and his taxi driver character was great there. I liked his neurotic detective bit, but really, how long can they go on with it? And I didn't catch the series until Trayler Howard had joined, and I like her, so when I see an old episode with Sharona I find it inferior to the Natalie episodes.

The opener for the Mentalist was on. I almost missed this, unusual job/skill set makes a guy a super detective, cop show last season. It is okay, sort of falls into the Medium, Monk, Psych, Castle, Numbers catagory of show. Last season they spent most of it setting up the main character. He was a fake psychic who upset a serial killer enough the guy off the mentalist's wife and kid. Now he hunts the killer acting as a consultant for the CBI, a fake state investigative agency. The killer taunts him whenever the series needs a boost. The first season gave this backstory and established that this guy basically can really read and manipulate people because he was a big time con man. The only problem I have is with this episode. For someone so smart and good with people, he did a really bad job dealing with the law enforcement officers. I guess they needed it to create tension and conflict and plot points for this season's overriding story arc, but really, if your main character works because of certain things, don't have him behaving like a sulky third grader and making mistakes a low grade moron would make trying to get his way.

The Simpsons is a show I quit watching on a regular basis. I can't believe it is still on. It is well past it's prime and is pretty much repeating itself, but still manages to pull a few laughs and have more fun than about half the shows on the air. I also watched Family Guy, despite the fact that it is now more embarrassing than it is funny.

New Television

I am an old-timer. I can remember when summer tv was nothing but reruns of the previous fall and winter shows. Then came reality tv and the relatively cheap to produce shows and soon that dominated summer tv, spilling over into the new tv land. That actually made me watch less as I hate 99.9995 of reality tv as it 1) bears no resemblence to any form or reality, and 2) seems to focus on and cater to the worst qualities of humanity. I also find it boring. Anyway, eventually cable channels sort of came to our rescue although a and e, bravo, tlc, and discovery all seem to be going to the all reality crap programming, slowly. Hopefully the history channel and biography won't follow suit. Anyway, I have become addicted to some of the alternative programming out there. Eureka is a show I have come to love. The acting is good, full of goofy characters, it is primarily a comedy but with a bit of sci-fi and some action. The special effects are generally cheesy, but that never stopped Dr. Who. There is about 4 seasons of reruns you can find on the net if you are willing to prowl, check it out. Warehouse 13 is also worth hunting down, although only 1 season so far. It's a sort of modern steam-punk, scifi show with a good cast. Merlin is a britsh made program. I watched the first season when I had little else to watch, I did watch the first episode of this season, but the reimagining of the Arthur legend as teen drama is quickly reminding me why I stopped watching Smallville. Sanctuary wasn't really summer programming and it was often cheese in the extra sharp variety, but since it started as a net show, I watched it through and rather liked it. I am hoping it will have a season 2.

Now so far this season I watched House's premiere. Pretty good, but could you expect less from House. Bones was okay for the first 2 episodes. Bones character is getting to be a bit old to not have evolved a bit more. How could such a smart person not learn over time. Angela is still super sexy and the most appealing of the ladies. I still like Booth and Hodges and their interactions. Sweets and came are just there. The lady DA is only a recurring role, but she by far steals any scene they let her in, even if she is only a turbo-charged sassy black lady.

Criminal Minds season premiere was meh. It ended, as usual, on a cliff hanger that was sort of resolved, although to my mind not in a satisfactory way. It also started what, I would guess, is to be a season (or half season) long subplot.

NCIS had a pretty decent season opener. I like this series, it's a procedural that doesn't take itself too seriously, has predictible, but likable characters, and makes for good forget the world for an hour, television. It doesn't pretend to be anything it isn't. NCIS LA, the new spin off was on and it was watchable enough that I will get it a few more viewings to see if the characters come out. It looks like the team leader, former seal (LL Cool J), and Chris O'Donnell are going to be the show focus with everyone else filling the support roles. Instead of Ducky, we have a crabby, short accountant, unfortunately although she is made in the quirky stock character factory, so far she is the only one on the show with a personality.

I currently watch only 2 half hour non-animated sitcoms. Better off Ted and the new Modern Family.

Better off Ted was a summer filler that will probably come in mid-season. It has a good cast, is a very excellent parody of a big, completely evil business filled with quirky clueless characters. It's hilarious and well worth the time.

Modern Family is a new show, but based on the pilot, I plan to make it a regular show. It is done in fake documentary format. It follows 3 groups of people around. The first seems like a normal family, father (who thinks who is "cool"), mother, and 3 kids (stock teenage girl growing up fast, younger smarty, nerdy little sis, and bratty brother). Incidently the 15 year old girl is played by a 19 year old actress according to imdb, so those nasty fantasy's you may be having are legal. Second group is an older guy (Al Bundy or Popeye Doyle) who marries a much younger, hotter and more latin woman who has a pudgy 11 year old boy child from a previous marriage. Group three is a gay couple both of whom can be stereo typed, but neither is so over-the-top as to put you off, and there newly adopted vietnamese baby girl. At first I thought these people would all turn out to be neighbors which would tie them together, then I though maybe it was just that they were all part of a the same documentary. Then when the show tied them together in another way beyond the documentary it was a nice little twist. I love that Ed O'Neil is back on tv and the pilot was very funny and very well-made. It mixed all the elements up so I could identify will most of the characters and like them even while laughing at them. If the show holds up to the pilot, the sitcom may be coming back. Ed's hot latino wife is another reason to watch the show guys.

Supernatural has so far had 2 episodes this season and both have been strong if you watch the show, and both have been somewhat tied to the overall arc rather than a monster or the week episode. It's actually the only WB show I currently watch.

The Guild webshow is running again, so I plan to catch up on that when I get home. I am 2 epidoses behing, that's about 14 minutes.

WTH Is Going On With Toolbars

Wtf is it with tool bars for web browsers. At first it seemed like everyone and their grandmother had one and wanted you to install it but it was easy to say no. Now you can't install any kind of software without it wanting to install somebody's freaking toolbar and most of the time it comes right in the middle of installing the software when you are basically hitting the next button continuously, so it can sneak right by you. Everybody has a toolbar: Mapquest, Yahoo, Ask, Google, Big Dick McGee's BBQ Mud Wrestling and Sex Toy Emporium; and they all want on your browser. I don't get it either, if the toolbar offers a special service, I had one that verified the ip address and domain name of all sites for awhile when the phishing and redirecting first became a mini internet scam industry and I had a near fatality when I answered an email supposedly from ebay while a little too sleepy, I can understand, but when mostly what it does is internet search....WTF?

I use mapquest's toolbar at work. I have to do a lot of driving, mostly local. Realistically all it does is save me from going to the mapquest website. I hit the direction button and put in my start and first destination and it opens the webpage with that information all ready loaded and I just plug in the rest of my stops. I also use a specialized toolbar at home that has 2 or 3 features I like. Originally I made the mistake of installing the new Windows search, which didn't work anywhere near as well as the older more traditional search, at least for me, and which also caused the my documents folder the crash explorer pretty much everytime I opened it. While trying to figure out the issue, at first I thought it was a problem with a codec, I installed a third party file explorer, xplorer lite 2, I believe, a very nice little program, and it installed a toolbar on two of my three browsers. It got internet explorer and firefox but missed safari. It had a neat internet radio function so I left it on until I finally figured out it was slowing my browsers down. I then hunted up another toolbar just for the radio feature though.

In both of these cases, I am using a toolbar I found a need for and hunted down. Most of the functions of all of the toolbars though seem to be searching. The radio toolbar looks for music, mostly on torrent sites. Other that directions and maps, mapquest is mostly specialized search engines for gas priced, yellow pages, ect, with one basic websearch. This is what I don't get.

First off, when I first started surfing the net back in the stone ages, we had 2 ways to do an internet search. First you just go to your favorite search engine or web portal and search. Second, you just type the thing you were looking for into your browser address bar and it would automatically look it up for you. Neither of those things were really that difficult. Now things are even simpler, every browser I can think of in it's last couple of incarnations has had a separate little space where you could type in what you were looking for and it would search for it. If you don't find what you like, you can change the search engine you use right there. So why do we need all these extra toolbars? I see some convienence, but mostly unless they offer something that works better or offers a new feature, like the radio, or the it guys at work swear the google toolbars pop up blocker works better than firefox or ie's, why bother with them. And why are these companies so anxious to stick them on our browser that they bundle them with every piece of software they can.

I am sure it has to do with advertising, the more people use ask or yahoo or google, the more they can charge the advertisers on those sites, and the more they can charge to get top placement. And I would guess they gamble that most people aren't going to change the default search, for instance making ask the default on google's search bar. But still it seems awfully silly to me. The more junk on the top of the browser, the less room to see the actual material.