According to MSN an Oregon State University football player (the team is called the Beavers) was found nude and intoxicated in a home where he was not known and did not belong. When the police who responded to the call of a nude and intoxicated trespasser, ordered the man to get on the floor face down with his hands behind his back, the football player responded by dropping into a 3-point football stance and charging at the officers. At this point 2 of the officers discharged their tasers rendering the addled player more addled but less playful.
The lesson of the day:
If confronted by a large, strange, naked beaver, employ battery powered electronic devices to cause spasms and convulsions until the beaver becomes fully compliant.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
The History of Lawnwork
Originally mankind did not have lawns. The door out of the house lead straight into the forest, jungle, ocean, ect. This was a lovely and uncomplicated system which had but a single drawback. The one drawback was that rarely one might leave the house only to be eaten by a bear or killed by natives. This could be inconvenient and could have a negative impact on one's income. Therefore man took to clearing a patch of ground around his house so he could sneak a look out the door and tell whether or not it was safe to make a dash for work. Since animals and natives are sneaky, it was necessary to not only fell the trees and cut back the brush, but also to cut down the tall grass. Once this was done, it had to be maintained. Fire would seem to be the obvious choice, except for 2 things. Rebuilding houses is a lot of work and wives tend to not like the look of charred ground. You see after man went through all of the trouble of eradicating all the local vegetation around the house, the wives went out and found weeds they thought attractive and planted them in random locations.
This created a problem. Maintaining the cleared area was time consuming and was no where near as fun as hunting large animals, fishing, or racing souped up horses. Especially if you had to do it with your bear-skinning knife. So man invented the lawn mower. The first lawn mower wasn't sophisticated. It was basically a knife attached to a stick. This was still a lot of work so man invented the teen-aged son. As hindsight, it would probably have been better to just redesign the lawn mower, but once something is invented it is harder than hell to uninvent it, see atomic bomb, Paris Hilton, the Jersey Shore, ect.
The first lawn mower wasn't called a lawnmower of course. Neither the term yard nor the term lawn had been invented yet. The first lawn mower was called the sling blade because it sounded cool. One could often get up to 10 minutes of labor without complaining out of a teen-aged son before he realized that just because the tool had a cool sounding name didn't make it any less work. Fortunately teen-aged sons aren't bright, so often you could get that 10 minutes or so by repeating the name up to 60 or 70 times. Hopefully by then the grass is mowed. Don't worry, by next week he will have forgotten anything he might have learned.
As time progressed, the wheel was invented. Man decided to attach smaller blades to the insides of two small metal wheels. Then these were attached to two larger rubber wheels which was then attached to a handle which, in turn, was attached to a teen-aged son. Duck tape on son's mouth was optional. This was the first lawnmower. It was later discovered that it could also be propelled by teen-aged daughters, and older no-longer-teen-aged-sons that refused to leave home. However, unfortunately man grew tired of making new teen-aged sons when the old ones left and he grew tired of souping up horses, so he invented the internal combustion engine. Originally thought to only be good to propel metal buggies into trees, it was soon to be discovered that if you put the internal combustion on top of a metal frame and a blade underneath it, add 4 wheels, then attach the teen-aged son and handle combination to it, you have a excellent way to wake up your neighbors. It was later discovered that if all the teen-aged sons leave the house to avoid lawn work, you can use a bigger engine and frame and add a steering device and seat and the mower will propel itself into a tree.
It may seem that man had conquered nature at this point, but remember those strategically planted attractive weeds? Well mowing over those weeds often resulted in serious physical
injury when the wife noticed. There were also areas close to trees and the house and other large obstacles where the mower could not cut the grass. This was bad because it is amazing how many bears, tigers and natives can hide in the weeds around a small sapling. As such, trim work was invented. Sometimes the older type mowers would work, but eventually many devices such as clippers, pruners and trimmers were invented. The first real breakthrough came when some man became confused about whether he was working in the yard or fishing and discovered that while fishing line is extremely delicate and prone to snapping and breaking if near fish, it becomes strong and extremely sharp if there are not fish around. Unfortunately it tangles like a son-of-a bitch regardless of where it is. Thus was born the weed whacker. Weed whackers come in many forms. Some are wheeled models, however most are supposed to be portable. They are electric models, most of which seem to be completely incapable of cutting weeds, but excellent at slicing through the toughest extension cords. The gas models weigh more, are almost as noisy as lawn mowers and share a few common characteristics. If using the original heads they are excellent for cutting grass and weeds, but they are best at suddenly tangling themselves into a hopeless knot around the nearest tree, post, or chain link fence. If none of these are available, the weed whacker will tie the line to its own shaft. Another favorite trick is to let you spend 30 minutes patiently winding 600 or so yards of fishing line around the spool and installing the spool in the head, then at the first opportunity it will hurl the entire 600 yards of line out at extremely high velocity into the yard of a neighbor 6 or 7 houses away. If it for some reason doesn't want to do this, it will start to rapidly chop the line into tiny segments it will fire out in rapid secession. You will send a hour of so later that night picking them out of your legs. Yet another favored trick of the evil weed whacker is to unscrew the head and lob it unexpectedly into the most inaccessible, snake and spider infested part of the yard. Unless of course, it spies a hornet, yellow jacket or bumblebee nest, in which case it will aim for that resulting in you throwing the useless weed whacker at the swarm as you dash madly for the house.
One method of attempting to foil these playful pranks is to install a specialty head on the weed whacker rather than the spool. There seems to be 4 basic types.
1. The metal blade. It looks like a saw blade for a circle saw.
Advantage: doesn't break or unspool.
Disadvantage: resounding vibration when striking solid objects, doesn't cut plants very well, cuts wardrobe, vinyl siding and flesh just fine, though. Propels debris such as gravel with high velocity in random directions but usually at the person holding the whacker.
2. The metal chain. It is a little plastic wheel with from 2 to 4 little chains hanging off it, makes you think of a ancient torture device.
Advantage: ought to cut well, doesn't unspool.
Disadvantage: see wardrobe, vinyl siding and flesh damage above, as well as debris. Also, the chains can become tangled and HIGH SPEED METAL PROJECTILES embedded in legs if the chains come apart or loose.
3. Plastic Blades: A plastic wheel with from 2 to 4 somewhat flexible, thick serrated plastic knives attached. The attachments pivot freely.
Advantage: doesn't spool.
Disadvantage: blades wear out and break, although they last fairly well. It can be a bit hard on underpinning, but probably not worse than line. These work fairly well, they can fling light gravel and dirt, but not bigger gravel. A decent compromise. They sting but I haven't lost blood or clothing to them. You can burn a bit of flesh if you have to change a blade mid-job, but that is true of all the heads. Blades are a bit more expensive than line.
4. Line: These heads use line pre-cut to appropriate lengths. The original models were excellent and you just threaded line in through a series of holes, it was a bit hot if you were replacing line mid job, but the line stayed in place and lasted awhile. Fortunately they have wised up and now use a more complicated locking system that uses spring-tensioned metal pieces to hold the string in place. This is supposed to let you use any size line.
Advantage: No spooling, cheaper than blades, all advantages of using line.
Disadvantage: Old system not really any. New system: The metal clamps seem very picky, you are supposed to be able to use any size line, but the smaller line isn't held as well. I haven't tried really large line, but I suspect the tension won't be strong enough to hold it either. If you thread the line through backward, and leave the short side of the line on the wrong side of the clamp, the line shoots out the instant you start the whacker. Sometimes the line shoots out no matter what you do. If the lines are cut too long, they either tangle around the shaft or fly off to nowhere. Sometimes, if the lines stay in, by the time they need changing they have melted onto the clamp and you burn your fingers getting them out. The heads travel really well when removed and hurled by an angry weed whacker operator.
This created a problem. Maintaining the cleared area was time consuming and was no where near as fun as hunting large animals, fishing, or racing souped up horses. Especially if you had to do it with your bear-skinning knife. So man invented the lawn mower. The first lawn mower wasn't sophisticated. It was basically a knife attached to a stick. This was still a lot of work so man invented the teen-aged son. As hindsight, it would probably have been better to just redesign the lawn mower, but once something is invented it is harder than hell to uninvent it, see atomic bomb, Paris Hilton, the Jersey Shore, ect.
The first lawn mower wasn't called a lawnmower of course. Neither the term yard nor the term lawn had been invented yet. The first lawn mower was called the sling blade because it sounded cool. One could often get up to 10 minutes of labor without complaining out of a teen-aged son before he realized that just because the tool had a cool sounding name didn't make it any less work. Fortunately teen-aged sons aren't bright, so often you could get that 10 minutes or so by repeating the name up to 60 or 70 times. Hopefully by then the grass is mowed. Don't worry, by next week he will have forgotten anything he might have learned.
As time progressed, the wheel was invented. Man decided to attach smaller blades to the insides of two small metal wheels. Then these were attached to two larger rubber wheels which was then attached to a handle which, in turn, was attached to a teen-aged son. Duck tape on son's mouth was optional. This was the first lawnmower. It was later discovered that it could also be propelled by teen-aged daughters, and older no-longer-teen-aged-sons that refused to leave home. However, unfortunately man grew tired of making new teen-aged sons when the old ones left and he grew tired of souping up horses, so he invented the internal combustion engine. Originally thought to only be good to propel metal buggies into trees, it was soon to be discovered that if you put the internal combustion on top of a metal frame and a blade underneath it, add 4 wheels, then attach the teen-aged son and handle combination to it, you have a excellent way to wake up your neighbors. It was later discovered that if all the teen-aged sons leave the house to avoid lawn work, you can use a bigger engine and frame and add a steering device and seat and the mower will propel itself into a tree.
It may seem that man had conquered nature at this point, but remember those strategically planted attractive weeds? Well mowing over those weeds often resulted in serious physical
injury when the wife noticed. There were also areas close to trees and the house and other large obstacles where the mower could not cut the grass. This was bad because it is amazing how many bears, tigers and natives can hide in the weeds around a small sapling. As such, trim work was invented. Sometimes the older type mowers would work, but eventually many devices such as clippers, pruners and trimmers were invented. The first real breakthrough came when some man became confused about whether he was working in the yard or fishing and discovered that while fishing line is extremely delicate and prone to snapping and breaking if near fish, it becomes strong and extremely sharp if there are not fish around. Unfortunately it tangles like a son-of-a bitch regardless of where it is. Thus was born the weed whacker. Weed whackers come in many forms. Some are wheeled models, however most are supposed to be portable. They are electric models, most of which seem to be completely incapable of cutting weeds, but excellent at slicing through the toughest extension cords. The gas models weigh more, are almost as noisy as lawn mowers and share a few common characteristics. If using the original heads they are excellent for cutting grass and weeds, but they are best at suddenly tangling themselves into a hopeless knot around the nearest tree, post, or chain link fence. If none of these are available, the weed whacker will tie the line to its own shaft. Another favorite trick is to let you spend 30 minutes patiently winding 600 or so yards of fishing line around the spool and installing the spool in the head, then at the first opportunity it will hurl the entire 600 yards of line out at extremely high velocity into the yard of a neighbor 6 or 7 houses away. If it for some reason doesn't want to do this, it will start to rapidly chop the line into tiny segments it will fire out in rapid secession. You will send a hour of so later that night picking them out of your legs. Yet another favored trick of the evil weed whacker is to unscrew the head and lob it unexpectedly into the most inaccessible, snake and spider infested part of the yard. Unless of course, it spies a hornet, yellow jacket or bumblebee nest, in which case it will aim for that resulting in you throwing the useless weed whacker at the swarm as you dash madly for the house.
One method of attempting to foil these playful pranks is to install a specialty head on the weed whacker rather than the spool. There seems to be 4 basic types.
1. The metal blade. It looks like a saw blade for a circle saw.
Advantage: doesn't break or unspool.
Disadvantage: resounding vibration when striking solid objects, doesn't cut plants very well, cuts wardrobe, vinyl siding and flesh just fine, though. Propels debris such as gravel with high velocity in random directions but usually at the person holding the whacker.
2. The metal chain. It is a little plastic wheel with from 2 to 4 little chains hanging off it, makes you think of a ancient torture device.
Advantage: ought to cut well, doesn't unspool.
Disadvantage: see wardrobe, vinyl siding and flesh damage above, as well as debris. Also, the chains can become tangled and HIGH SPEED METAL PROJECTILES embedded in legs if the chains come apart or loose.
3. Plastic Blades: A plastic wheel with from 2 to 4 somewhat flexible, thick serrated plastic knives attached. The attachments pivot freely.
Advantage: doesn't spool.
Disadvantage: blades wear out and break, although they last fairly well. It can be a bit hard on underpinning, but probably not worse than line. These work fairly well, they can fling light gravel and dirt, but not bigger gravel. A decent compromise. They sting but I haven't lost blood or clothing to them. You can burn a bit of flesh if you have to change a blade mid-job, but that is true of all the heads. Blades are a bit more expensive than line.
4. Line: These heads use line pre-cut to appropriate lengths. The original models were excellent and you just threaded line in through a series of holes, it was a bit hot if you were replacing line mid job, but the line stayed in place and lasted awhile. Fortunately they have wised up and now use a more complicated locking system that uses spring-tensioned metal pieces to hold the string in place. This is supposed to let you use any size line.
Advantage: No spooling, cheaper than blades, all advantages of using line.
Disadvantage: Old system not really any. New system: The metal clamps seem very picky, you are supposed to be able to use any size line, but the smaller line isn't held as well. I haven't tried really large line, but I suspect the tension won't be strong enough to hold it either. If you thread the line through backward, and leave the short side of the line on the wrong side of the clamp, the line shoots out the instant you start the whacker. Sometimes the line shoots out no matter what you do. If the lines are cut too long, they either tangle around the shaft or fly off to nowhere. Sometimes, if the lines stay in, by the time they need changing they have melted onto the clamp and you burn your fingers getting them out. The heads travel really well when removed and hurled by an angry weed whacker operator.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Carnitas -- I Think Not
It's been awhile since I have eaten at Taco Bell. The local stores specialize in screwing up my orders, and I usually end up disappointed as we have a couple of actually Mexican restaurants in the area now and Taco Bell's version is a rather pale shadow of the real thing. But I had court scheduled for today, I had only one case, but it was a 40 mile drive one way and I had to be there early. I knew they had a long docket, and I figured I would be there until well after lunch. I didn't take any food, as I was unsure about my day's schedule. I did have a few clients arriving in the afternoon. My person was a no-show and after sitting through 2 rounds of the docket they decided she wasn't coming and issued a bench warrant. I was dismissed and headed to the office. I wanted to get there in time to do some paperwork before my clients, so it was going to be fast food. The town I was in has very little to offer, so I hit the road. The new town big enough to be classified as more than a suburb had a few selections, but Arbies and Burger King were packed, and McDonalds was out of my way, but Taco Bell looked nice and vacant, so I whipped in the drive through. They had some sort of new taco's and one filling offered was carnitas. Awesome!!!!!!!
For those who might not know. Carnitas are "little meats" Basically pork roast is slow cooked until it is so tender it falls apart, then it is braised or caramelized, however you want to express it. Some cooks spice the meat while cooking, others prefer to let use salsa to add spice later. But the thing that makes them special is the texture and flavor. The outside is crisp, but inside the meat is tender and juicy. I guess it was too much to expect from a fast food place, but there pork basically tasted like it had been boiled in hot sauce. There was no crispy or crunchy, just generic spicy. It was a let down, and there wasn't any salsa verde or anything in the taco other than the meat and maybe a few tomato chunks. They used the bland soft flour tortillas they usually use. I wouldn't bother, the price is cheap, but it really isn't worth it. I think they also offer a steak and a chicken taco. I go to court in a different county tomorrow, it will be an all day event, as I have several cases on the docket. Hopefully we will hit the local Mexican place, as it is next door to the court, and fairly reasonably priced. Maybe they will have carnitas, if not they have excellent chimichangas.
For those who might not know. Carnitas are "little meats" Basically pork roast is slow cooked until it is so tender it falls apart, then it is braised or caramelized, however you want to express it. Some cooks spice the meat while cooking, others prefer to let use salsa to add spice later. But the thing that makes them special is the texture and flavor. The outside is crisp, but inside the meat is tender and juicy. I guess it was too much to expect from a fast food place, but there pork basically tasted like it had been boiled in hot sauce. There was no crispy or crunchy, just generic spicy. It was a let down, and there wasn't any salsa verde or anything in the taco other than the meat and maybe a few tomato chunks. They used the bland soft flour tortillas they usually use. I wouldn't bother, the price is cheap, but it really isn't worth it. I think they also offer a steak and a chicken taco. I go to court in a different county tomorrow, it will be an all day event, as I have several cases on the docket. Hopefully we will hit the local Mexican place, as it is next door to the court, and fairly reasonably priced. Maybe they will have carnitas, if not they have excellent chimichangas.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Chiggers
I forgot to explain the chigger reference in my last post. I live in what used to be called the country. Now it is really just a space between subdivisions where they have not yet put a subdivision. Mainly because I go out in the front yard periodically and act like a psychopath so no one will want to be my neighbor who isn't related to me. That's beside the point. The local mailman delivers, but he quite unreasonably insists a machete should not be required to leave the mail in my box, so when the weeds get about a foot or so above the box he starts leaving nasty notes threatening to dump my mail in the ditch if I don't cut the grass around the box. I've done that twice this year, and should probably just buy some agent orange and defoliate the area, but the local military surplus store gave me a rather weird stare when I asked for a spray bottle of it and claimed they were out. Apparently they don't keep a large stock of napalm either. I noticed the other day that the weeds were past the bottom of the box, but it was 150 in the shade, so I didn't feel like arguing with the lazy-assed weed whacker, so I attempted to stomp down the offending plants. It doesn't seem to have worked, but apparently the plants, in an effort to exact revenge, dropped chiggers on me. Chiggers, for those who have never experienced them, are tiny larva stage mites. When full grown, they eat plants, but as larva they prefer birds and reptiles, unfortunately occasionally they decide to snack on humans. They are so tiny you can't actually see one. The traditional southern wisdom says that they bore into your skin and suck your blood. This isn't correct. I have the symptoms, raised, very itchy bumps with little red/black spots in the center. I have about 6 on my right ankle, two behind my right knee and one right above my right knee and nowhere else. This is why I decided it was from the mailbox incident. I plan the machete the offending plant life when I get home.
Traditional southern wisdom offers several cures including washing the area with either kerosene, bleach, gasoline, or brick acid. I made the last one up. My favorite though, from my childhood, when outbreaks of this was common, was to paint the area with clear nail polish. It had to be clear, if it was pink or light blue your friends would make fun of you. This was supposed to smother the chigger and kill it. Now that I am older, wiser, and Al Gore invented the fount of all knowledge, the internet, I know that this is all wrong. Apparently the chigger doesn't burrow into the skin. It sets on top and can easily be brushed off, scratching the bite is enough to do it. When the chigger bites, it inject saliva into the wound. The saliva dissolves the skin which the chigger sucks up. Since mammals were never intended to be it's victim, we aren't a good one for it. The saliva irritates our skin causing itching. It also causes the skin to react making it harden the area around the bite so it resists the saliva, this causes the hard bump, the dark spot is the hole from the disolved skin, not the offending chigger, which is too tiny to see with a naked eye. It generally takes about a week to 10 days for the skin to repair itself. The actual damage comes from scratching the bites as you usually cut the skin and since fingernails play host to germs like crazy, it can cause secondary infections. If you are in a weedy area in the summer, the best thing to do is take a soapy shower as soon as possible. Hopefully you will wash the little buggers off before the bite.
Next, lets all make a pact. Tomorrow at 6:30 AM let's all go to McDonalds and order chicken nuggets, then refuse to believe they don't serve them, go to the drive-in window and argue with the server, punch her repeatedly in the face, try to climb through the drive through window, then shatter the window with a heavy object from our car and drive off. If you haven't seen the video, go to YouTube. You can probably find it by searching for "blonde, trailer-trash looking psycho bitch beating down a McDonalds employee in drive through window over chicken nuggets."
Traditional southern wisdom offers several cures including washing the area with either kerosene, bleach, gasoline, or brick acid. I made the last one up. My favorite though, from my childhood, when outbreaks of this was common, was to paint the area with clear nail polish. It had to be clear, if it was pink or light blue your friends would make fun of you. This was supposed to smother the chigger and kill it. Now that I am older, wiser, and Al Gore invented the fount of all knowledge, the internet, I know that this is all wrong. Apparently the chigger doesn't burrow into the skin. It sets on top and can easily be brushed off, scratching the bite is enough to do it. When the chigger bites, it inject saliva into the wound. The saliva dissolves the skin which the chigger sucks up. Since mammals were never intended to be it's victim, we aren't a good one for it. The saliva irritates our skin causing itching. It also causes the skin to react making it harden the area around the bite so it resists the saliva, this causes the hard bump, the dark spot is the hole from the disolved skin, not the offending chigger, which is too tiny to see with a naked eye. It generally takes about a week to 10 days for the skin to repair itself. The actual damage comes from scratching the bites as you usually cut the skin and since fingernails play host to germs like crazy, it can cause secondary infections. If you are in a weedy area in the summer, the best thing to do is take a soapy shower as soon as possible. Hopefully you will wash the little buggers off before the bite.
Next, lets all make a pact. Tomorrow at 6:30 AM let's all go to McDonalds and order chicken nuggets, then refuse to believe they don't serve them, go to the drive-in window and argue with the server, punch her repeatedly in the face, try to climb through the drive through window, then shatter the window with a heavy object from our car and drive off. If you haven't seen the video, go to YouTube. You can probably find it by searching for "blonde, trailer-trash looking psycho bitch beating down a McDonalds employee in drive through window over chicken nuggets."
Monday, August 09, 2010
Flip-Flops, Chiggers and Things
I realize that times are less formal than they used to be but What the Hell? Last month I had a client setting across from me explaining that he was going to a job interview right after he left the office. He wasn't wearing a tie, but coat and tie seem to have gone out except for professional and managerial type jobs. He was wearing a nice, dark-colored golf/polo type shirt. He was also wearing clean blue jeans. Well he was looking for a warehouse/installer type position so okay, that was probably appropriate, but he hadn't bother to shave and was wearing flip-flops, the world's most annoying foot-wear. Now today, another client, this one female, told me she was trying to get a mail-room job at the local paper and was going there after she left my office. She was wearing a tight red tee-shirt, tight grey gym shorts, and flip-flops. My office co-workers make extra money in the summer by raising baby penguins in their offices, so the thermostat is usually set to 10 degrees Fahrenheit in the summer months. As such I deduced that while she was wearing a bra, it was probably pretty thin. Oddly enough, my coworkers apparently raise monkeys and tropical plants during the winter, and the thermostat is usually move up to about 110 degrees. I think her outfit was a bit too casual, even for a casual job, although I have to admit, her ass and those shorts complimented each other rather well, and she does have nice legs. If she can keep her level of perkiness after leaving the office and has a male interviewer, she might stand a chance. Got to go spray disinfectant on the chair and get ready for my next client.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Schemes, Scams, and Scum
I really need to stop falling asleep with the bedroom TV on, or at least making sure it is a channel that doesn't sell early morning time to infomercials. I keep waking early to weird crap. It isn't all bad, I discovered steam mops (plan to get one soon, after investigating on the internet I plan on either getting a Bissell or Shark, whichever is cheaper) and the Shark Navigator will probably be my next vacuum, although I don't currently have the loose cash, it seems legit.
This morning I woke to hear people talking in infomercial phony enthusiasm about something called the "Cash Flow Business". Having a business degree I am well aware of what the term cash flow means, but was unaware there was apparently an industry devoted to it. Basically cash flow is exactly that, a measure of the money moving in and out of a business. It is generally a short term thing. I listened to probably 10 minutes or so of the infomercial before the cats discovered I was no longer sleeping and used force to make me get up and restock their food supply, which had waned after midnight and 4 am snacking. Once I was semi-mobile, returning to sleep was not going to happen, despite still having a good 45 minutes until the alarm, so I did the facebook, email thing, sucked down caffeinated beverages and slowly became completely alert. I then remembered the TV. Now, I have fallen for a few get-rich-quick schemes, usually by talking myself past my common sense, or letting someone else do so. I have now established a few bullshit detection guidelines I will share. First, the old sayings are true: if it sounds too good to be true, it is. Second, if you can't really tell what they are talking about from the adds, it's 98% shady or a complete ripoff. Third, if it's so damn good, why are they creating more competition instead of quietly making the big bucks. Fourth, if a major selling point is the money back guarantee and how easy it is to use, that means most people are going to want their money back and will never get it back. A legitimate product may offer a money back guarantee, but will only mention it once toward the end of the commercial, if the product mentions it often, beware. Endorsement and demos or nice, but can be misleading, don't get too caught up in them. Check on the internet for any problem. Be aware that the internet tends to attract complainers, whiners, and angry people, but read each gripe and try to see if they have legitimate complaints. No product is going to satisfy everyone, but if a lot of people have the exact same issue, take note.
The cash flow thing probably isn't a complete ripoff, it seems a legitimate business but it isn't what it is being marketed as. They kept talking about how easy it was, how you just "find it, list it, make money". They advertise no selling, ect. The endorsement emphasized large amounts of money made with only a few hours of work each week. It basically sounded like I could run my home-based business from my laptop on the beach in between sessions of being sexually gratified by the large numbers of scantily clad women bearing mai tais who flocked to the aura of large amounts of cash wafting from me.
From the TV I hear cash notes and posting or listing mentioned, but several times they stated no buying or selling. Apparently what you are required to do is find owner financed housing notes. These are notes where a seller is accepting payments directly from the buyer on real estate. You try to talk the seller into allowing you to find a someone to buy the note from him. If they agree, you list the terms of the note on a special website, access of which you gain by buying the packet I guess. If an investor is interested they make you an offer. You then try to broker a deal. For instance, if the note is for $100,000 the investor my offer you $95000. You figure what commission you get and offer the seller $93000. He gets $93000 now instead of in small payments over years, you get $2000 for your effort and the investor eventually gets $5000 or the property if the buyer defaults. However according to the websites I read, there are several issues with the way this is being sold. First, they claim that there is millions of these notes floating around and once you know the secrets, you practically trip over 3 of them going to the toilet. Apparently that isn't true, they are rather hard to find. Second, the largest complaint was that the 30 day guarantee was useless because you couldn't learn the program well enough to use it in 30 days. Also, the people that tried to return it apparently haven't been able too. Third, some states have strict laws defining a broker, and doing this would qualify you as one, requiring you to become licensed to avoid criminal prosecution and possible civil liabilities. You probably want to check with your state. Also, take any claims the program makes about you not being a broker with a grain of salt, those laws vary state to state and it's going to be you in trouble, I doubt the company sell the program will help you out in court. Fourth, apparently if you buy into the program, you will start to get calls trying to sell you "extras" to "really learn how to work the program" and apparently the sales tactics are pretty hard and pretty annoying, and not cheap. Several times a $2000 figure was mentioned in numerous posts. I am guessing the guy who's name was on this program (I want to say it was Russ Meyers, but that isn't right, he's the guy that made the movies with involving large-breasted women with firearms) doesn't make his money in the Cash Flow Business.
Two other recent products I have seen on TV. These were infomercials, but not the 30 minute long ones. One is for a ceramic bladed kitchen knife that sold for about under $20 plus shipping. I won't mention the name but it looked good, and they started throwing in all the extras. Ceramic blades aren't new and they have a really good reputation, but they tend to be expensive. This looked good to me and I love knives. I googled it. I didn't buy it. I think the knife was okay, but from the complaints, it looked like the pricing was misleading, the shipping was about $40 so you ended up paying around $60 which wasn't a good deal. The customer service was unresponsive and basically it looked hit-or-miss on whether you got the product. If you didn't get the correct order, attempting to correct it usually resulted in more shipping charges being billed to your card. It was scary.
Lately I have been seeing adds for a mysterious bracelet that magically improves your balance, strength, and energy immediately when you put it on. It does this through mysterious "biowaves" or something. It isn't a copper or magnetic bracelet. Anyway, I looked it up again. Mainly because the quick demos on the commercial looked a bit familiar. I found more demos of the mysteriously powerful bracelet online. I figured the claims for Penn and Teller level bullshit, and I think I am right. First, how could a bracelet instantly have such a profound physical effect on someone. It doesn't in my opinion.
I spent a lot of time studying marial arts. I did karate, aikido, judo, jujitsu, arnis and wu shu. I had some excellent instructors and about 16 years in regular study. One of my first instructors was big on public demos, and he would often do demonstrations of miraculous things. Later, when I was a brown belt, he started teaching me how to do the demos and stuff and there are a lot of things that look impressive but are really based on the odd ways the human body works and on laws of physics.
Now in a video, you are limited by the camera angle on what you see, so I can't say 100% for sure on everything, but I think I know how each thing was done.
First video shows how the bracelet improves balance. The host stands behind a volunteer. He has the volunteer move his feet until they are close together, almost touching. He then has the man lace his fingers together behind his back. The host then claims to press straight down on the linked hands. The man falls backward into the host. Then after donning the magic bracelet the experiment is repeated but the man doesn't fall. However, in the post bracelet demo, the man is not told to move his feet and thus assumes a normal stance, giving a bit more stability, the average human stance isn't that stable front to back anyway. Next the host probably press down and into the volunteer, which would direct the force back into the volunteer and to ground, in effect making the volunteer more stable.
Second demo was another balance demo. Basically the host stood beside the man about a foot away and claimed to pull straight down on the volunteers hand causing him to stumble toward the host. When the bracelet was put on the man did not stumble, he hardly moved at all. This looked to be the same volunteer in the previous demo. First, the normal stance is again not that stable left to right, although more so than front to back. If they host pulled down and toward him at the right angle he would stumble. When the demo is done with the bracelet, the host stands a little closer and directs the pull straight down. If the volunteer is part of it, he can adapt a bit wider stance and bend his knees just a little while wearing the bracelet and lock his knees when not.
Third demo, a strength demo. A female volunteer extends her left arm straight out. The host uses both hands and easily bends her wrist down. He puts the bracelet on her other wrist and wow, he almost can't bend it. This one is easy. She probably extends her arm straight to him, so the first time he stands a little to her left so the arm is straight from her shoulder. The second time he stands directly in front of her and lines her arm up with her sternum. You tend to be stronger if you arm is extended in front of the center of your chest. This is used alot with punching and wrist locks in martial arts. You can test it. Have a friend extend his arm straight out from his shoulder with the elbow locked. Tell him to keep you from pushing it down, then try to. You should be able to do it. Now have him do the same but make sure the hand lines up with his sternum You probably can't know. Also, if the elbow is bent, even a little it is harder to move.
A cool trick to try:
Find someone you can lift. Get their cooperation first, don't just run around lifting people, you'll get locked up in a padded room or charged with some strange sex crime. Have them look straight ahead and pick them up. Now set them back down. Have them look up while you lift them again. Any difference? Now set them down. Have them look at the floor or ground and try again. Notice any thing? No I don't understand it either. It only works for lifting people, it doesn't seem to help when standing on a scale.
This morning I woke to hear people talking in infomercial phony enthusiasm about something called the "Cash Flow Business". Having a business degree I am well aware of what the term cash flow means, but was unaware there was apparently an industry devoted to it. Basically cash flow is exactly that, a measure of the money moving in and out of a business. It is generally a short term thing. I listened to probably 10 minutes or so of the infomercial before the cats discovered I was no longer sleeping and used force to make me get up and restock their food supply, which had waned after midnight and 4 am snacking. Once I was semi-mobile, returning to sleep was not going to happen, despite still having a good 45 minutes until the alarm, so I did the facebook, email thing, sucked down caffeinated beverages and slowly became completely alert. I then remembered the TV. Now, I have fallen for a few get-rich-quick schemes, usually by talking myself past my common sense, or letting someone else do so. I have now established a few bullshit detection guidelines I will share. First, the old sayings are true: if it sounds too good to be true, it is. Second, if you can't really tell what they are talking about from the adds, it's 98% shady or a complete ripoff. Third, if it's so damn good, why are they creating more competition instead of quietly making the big bucks. Fourth, if a major selling point is the money back guarantee and how easy it is to use, that means most people are going to want their money back and will never get it back. A legitimate product may offer a money back guarantee, but will only mention it once toward the end of the commercial, if the product mentions it often, beware. Endorsement and demos or nice, but can be misleading, don't get too caught up in them. Check on the internet for any problem. Be aware that the internet tends to attract complainers, whiners, and angry people, but read each gripe and try to see if they have legitimate complaints. No product is going to satisfy everyone, but if a lot of people have the exact same issue, take note.
The cash flow thing probably isn't a complete ripoff, it seems a legitimate business but it isn't what it is being marketed as. They kept talking about how easy it was, how you just "find it, list it, make money". They advertise no selling, ect. The endorsement emphasized large amounts of money made with only a few hours of work each week. It basically sounded like I could run my home-based business from my laptop on the beach in between sessions of being sexually gratified by the large numbers of scantily clad women bearing mai tais who flocked to the aura of large amounts of cash wafting from me.
From the TV I hear cash notes and posting or listing mentioned, but several times they stated no buying or selling. Apparently what you are required to do is find owner financed housing notes. These are notes where a seller is accepting payments directly from the buyer on real estate. You try to talk the seller into allowing you to find a someone to buy the note from him. If they agree, you list the terms of the note on a special website, access of which you gain by buying the packet I guess. If an investor is interested they make you an offer. You then try to broker a deal. For instance, if the note is for $100,000 the investor my offer you $95000. You figure what commission you get and offer the seller $93000. He gets $93000 now instead of in small payments over years, you get $2000 for your effort and the investor eventually gets $5000 or the property if the buyer defaults. However according to the websites I read, there are several issues with the way this is being sold. First, they claim that there is millions of these notes floating around and once you know the secrets, you practically trip over 3 of them going to the toilet. Apparently that isn't true, they are rather hard to find. Second, the largest complaint was that the 30 day guarantee was useless because you couldn't learn the program well enough to use it in 30 days. Also, the people that tried to return it apparently haven't been able too. Third, some states have strict laws defining a broker, and doing this would qualify you as one, requiring you to become licensed to avoid criminal prosecution and possible civil liabilities. You probably want to check with your state. Also, take any claims the program makes about you not being a broker with a grain of salt, those laws vary state to state and it's going to be you in trouble, I doubt the company sell the program will help you out in court. Fourth, apparently if you buy into the program, you will start to get calls trying to sell you "extras" to "really learn how to work the program" and apparently the sales tactics are pretty hard and pretty annoying, and not cheap. Several times a $2000 figure was mentioned in numerous posts. I am guessing the guy who's name was on this program (I want to say it was Russ Meyers, but that isn't right, he's the guy that made the movies with involving large-breasted women with firearms) doesn't make his money in the Cash Flow Business.
Two other recent products I have seen on TV. These were infomercials, but not the 30 minute long ones. One is for a ceramic bladed kitchen knife that sold for about under $20 plus shipping. I won't mention the name but it looked good, and they started throwing in all the extras. Ceramic blades aren't new and they have a really good reputation, but they tend to be expensive. This looked good to me and I love knives. I googled it. I didn't buy it. I think the knife was okay, but from the complaints, it looked like the pricing was misleading, the shipping was about $40 so you ended up paying around $60 which wasn't a good deal. The customer service was unresponsive and basically it looked hit-or-miss on whether you got the product. If you didn't get the correct order, attempting to correct it usually resulted in more shipping charges being billed to your card. It was scary.
Lately I have been seeing adds for a mysterious bracelet that magically improves your balance, strength, and energy immediately when you put it on. It does this through mysterious "biowaves" or something. It isn't a copper or magnetic bracelet. Anyway, I looked it up again. Mainly because the quick demos on the commercial looked a bit familiar. I found more demos of the mysteriously powerful bracelet online. I figured the claims for Penn and Teller level bullshit, and I think I am right. First, how could a bracelet instantly have such a profound physical effect on someone. It doesn't in my opinion.
I spent a lot of time studying marial arts. I did karate, aikido, judo, jujitsu, arnis and wu shu. I had some excellent instructors and about 16 years in regular study. One of my first instructors was big on public demos, and he would often do demonstrations of miraculous things. Later, when I was a brown belt, he started teaching me how to do the demos and stuff and there are a lot of things that look impressive but are really based on the odd ways the human body works and on laws of physics.
Now in a video, you are limited by the camera angle on what you see, so I can't say 100% for sure on everything, but I think I know how each thing was done.
First video shows how the bracelet improves balance. The host stands behind a volunteer. He has the volunteer move his feet until they are close together, almost touching. He then has the man lace his fingers together behind his back. The host then claims to press straight down on the linked hands. The man falls backward into the host. Then after donning the magic bracelet the experiment is repeated but the man doesn't fall. However, in the post bracelet demo, the man is not told to move his feet and thus assumes a normal stance, giving a bit more stability, the average human stance isn't that stable front to back anyway. Next the host probably press down and into the volunteer, which would direct the force back into the volunteer and to ground, in effect making the volunteer more stable.
Second demo was another balance demo. Basically the host stood beside the man about a foot away and claimed to pull straight down on the volunteers hand causing him to stumble toward the host. When the bracelet was put on the man did not stumble, he hardly moved at all. This looked to be the same volunteer in the previous demo. First, the normal stance is again not that stable left to right, although more so than front to back. If they host pulled down and toward him at the right angle he would stumble. When the demo is done with the bracelet, the host stands a little closer and directs the pull straight down. If the volunteer is part of it, he can adapt a bit wider stance and bend his knees just a little while wearing the bracelet and lock his knees when not.
Third demo, a strength demo. A female volunteer extends her left arm straight out. The host uses both hands and easily bends her wrist down. He puts the bracelet on her other wrist and wow, he almost can't bend it. This one is easy. She probably extends her arm straight to him, so the first time he stands a little to her left so the arm is straight from her shoulder. The second time he stands directly in front of her and lines her arm up with her sternum. You tend to be stronger if you arm is extended in front of the center of your chest. This is used alot with punching and wrist locks in martial arts. You can test it. Have a friend extend his arm straight out from his shoulder with the elbow locked. Tell him to keep you from pushing it down, then try to. You should be able to do it. Now have him do the same but make sure the hand lines up with his sternum You probably can't know. Also, if the elbow is bent, even a little it is harder to move.
A cool trick to try:
Find someone you can lift. Get their cooperation first, don't just run around lifting people, you'll get locked up in a padded room or charged with some strange sex crime. Have them look straight ahead and pick them up. Now set them back down. Have them look up while you lift them again. Any difference? Now set them down. Have them look at the floor or ground and try again. Notice any thing? No I don't understand it either. It only works for lifting people, it doesn't seem to help when standing on a scale.
Monday, August 02, 2010
Ouch!!!!!
It was raining Saturday morning, a lot. I mean a lot, with black skies and thunder and impressive displays of electricity and everything. It had been raining but was fine when I went to get groceries, but about halfway home it let rip. So when I got home I rushed around to get my food inside without getting it all soaked. I told you that to tell you this. I left my car lights on. I noticed a couple of hours later and turned them off. The interior light and buzzer were working, so I hoped the battery would rest and recharge. I vegetated the rest of the weekend and didn't even think of it until this morning. I went out to go to work and click, click, it was dead as Mel Gibson's reputation.
I went over to my parents' to get Dad to jump the battery, he wasn't there. Mom told me to talk the Olds but that was what he left in. I asked about the keys to his truck, as I could jump the car with it, and borrowing the truck I drove back to the house. I parked the truck in front of my car and grabbed his cables which he keeps in the passenger floorboards. Jumper cables apparently practice an art of knotting themselves up in very sophisticated patterns when bored, but I finally untangled them and attached them in an appropriate manner. Then as I was went to start the truck, I stepped into a hole, which had apparently been lurking somewhere and darted out to snare my right foot. I went crashing face-first into the ground. "Fuck sticks!!*" I said, pretty damn loud. An early morning, unplanned face plant into dewy grass and not-so-damn-soft ground can do that to you.
I got up, knocked most of the grass off, limped to the truck and started it. I then went to my car and tried to start it. It took about 10 minutes to charge enough to start, so it was pretty dead. My radio lost all memory. I returned the truck, drove to work. I ache. My right ankle hurts, my left ankle is having sympathy pains, and I had my baton in my right pants pocket and landed heavy on it when I fell, so my right thigh and hip don't feel very good. It's a Monday.
*This is a direct quote from a book I finished recently. Fool by Christopher Moore. It's a retelling of the tale of King Lear from the fool's point of view. It's done a bit tongue-in-cheek with a tiny amount of humor, rather than the overall depressing manner of most tragedies. Moore doesn't normal attempt to use period language much, he mostly writes in the modern era, though and sometimes has characters with unique speech patterns. In this book he sometimes uses Shakespearean quotes and even Shakespearean type dialogue. Allow me to quote: "Die thou vile badger-shagging spunk monkey!!!"
Its a good book, I had to read some Shakespeare in high school and college and I really don't remember that much sex, but this story had a little. Queens got shagged, princesses got shagged (a lot), ghosts got shagged (a little), castle servants got shagged, even sheep and trees got shagged. Check out the book, check out some of his others, I recommend Lamb, Blood Sucking Fiends, You Suck, Bite Me, A Dirty Job, Practical Demon Keeping, and The Stupidest Angel. I recommend avoiding Fluke, and not reading Coyote Blue unless you become a fan. I haven't read the Island of the Sequined Love Nun.
I went over to my parents' to get Dad to jump the battery, he wasn't there. Mom told me to talk the Olds but that was what he left in. I asked about the keys to his truck, as I could jump the car with it, and borrowing the truck I drove back to the house. I parked the truck in front of my car and grabbed his cables which he keeps in the passenger floorboards. Jumper cables apparently practice an art of knotting themselves up in very sophisticated patterns when bored, but I finally untangled them and attached them in an appropriate manner. Then as I was went to start the truck, I stepped into a hole, which had apparently been lurking somewhere and darted out to snare my right foot. I went crashing face-first into the ground. "Fuck sticks!!*" I said, pretty damn loud. An early morning, unplanned face plant into dewy grass and not-so-damn-soft ground can do that to you.
I got up, knocked most of the grass off, limped to the truck and started it. I then went to my car and tried to start it. It took about 10 minutes to charge enough to start, so it was pretty dead. My radio lost all memory. I returned the truck, drove to work. I ache. My right ankle hurts, my left ankle is having sympathy pains, and I had my baton in my right pants pocket and landed heavy on it when I fell, so my right thigh and hip don't feel very good. It's a Monday.
*This is a direct quote from a book I finished recently. Fool by Christopher Moore. It's a retelling of the tale of King Lear from the fool's point of view. It's done a bit tongue-in-cheek with a tiny amount of humor, rather than the overall depressing manner of most tragedies. Moore doesn't normal attempt to use period language much, he mostly writes in the modern era, though and sometimes has characters with unique speech patterns. In this book he sometimes uses Shakespearean quotes and even Shakespearean type dialogue. Allow me to quote: "Die thou vile badger-shagging spunk monkey!!!"
Its a good book, I had to read some Shakespeare in high school and college and I really don't remember that much sex, but this story had a little. Queens got shagged, princesses got shagged (a lot), ghosts got shagged (a little), castle servants got shagged, even sheep and trees got shagged. Check out the book, check out some of his others, I recommend Lamb, Blood Sucking Fiends, You Suck, Bite Me, A Dirty Job, Practical Demon Keeping, and The Stupidest Angel. I recommend avoiding Fluke, and not reading Coyote Blue unless you become a fan. I haven't read the Island of the Sequined Love Nun.
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